When I Grow Up

Gave up on a dream, still looking for the next. *Chapter 57*

When I was 13, I was pretty sure I wanted to be an actress or a doctor. For about 4.2 seconds I also considered being an Olympic Equestrian but absolutely hated competing in horse shows. Go figure. I’d played Widow Corny in our middle school production of Broadway Chunks in Traveling Trunks, a mash up of musical favorites including Oliver, Annie and three other shows my hangover will not allow my brain to conjure. I’d also ingested a season and a half of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and was pretty sure my destiny could be to become the next Sarah Michelle Gellar.

But the idea of becoming a doctor was still alluring too. As a freshman in high school, my dad scored me an opportunity to observe an open knee surgery with his friend, Dr. Brad. Standing in the operating room, I steeled myself against the pungent smell of burning flesh as they cauterized the patient’s wounds. It was cool and I thought I’d be a really good physician until I learned I’d be in school til I was 30 and promptly abandoned the potential.

When I took a trip to New York City at 14 and fell in love with the idea of living there, my fate was sealed. I would become a famous actress. I majored in Drama at The University of Georgia, spent a summer at The Williamstown Theatre Festival and then moved to The City in 2006. Four months later, because my dear friend

Kerry Whigham

of, The Aspiring Flâneur, worked in casting for NBC, I auditioned for and landed a guest spot on 30 Rock. My career began and ended with 25 seconds of air time…

I spent the next twelve-ish years desperate to find an agent, an audition, a good headshot. I wrote, produced and acted in a few of my own short films. I moved to Los Angeles. I cried and screamed a lot and spent most of my life looking for parking and waiting tables. It all felt so futile until I finally gave myself permission to give up.

I’ve always felt envious of people who didn’t know what they wanted to be in their early 20s. How exciting to be open to all the possibilities. Unafraid to take unknown paths and experiment with different jobs. I always looked for work with “flexibility” so I could take last minute auditions even though I never had any. I temped and served and never allowed myself to entertain any other idea than the one that involved me landing my big break.

Lost in the City, by Bonnie Lynn Felton, lynnfelton.com

I managed a flower shop. Worked the front desk at Condé Nast and Hermès. Wrapped presents for Diane Von Furstenberg. I had friends who were artists and actors and directors and tv producers. There were so many options I could have explored and didn’t. I’m not regretful of my rigidity but I do wonder what would have happened if I’d branched out a little? Chatted up the magazine editors I met or asked DVF if she was looking for an assistant. My dream of acting fame was so bright, I was blinded to any other possibility.

You’re told by acting teachers and people in the biz that if there’s anything else, ANYTHING ELSE you could POSSIBLY be interested in doing besides acting, you should do that instead. Because becoming a successful actor is so hard, the odds are stacked against you and if you “get out of line” there’s someone immediately ready to take your place. You make sure to ignore any tiny shred of intrigue that may prove you don’t want it as badly as you think you do.

I was completely closed off until I turned 35 and thought, “hmmm, maybe I actually DON’T want to do this anymore.” And finally, it wasn’t scary or bad, it was a relief. Still, it took a year to gain the clarity that I was completely ready to move on and then another few months to leave Los Angeles but now, at 40, the thought of a big break that would completely change my life makes me want to barf. Don’t get me wrong, I’m always open to accepting a windfall of money or a really cool opportunity, but the dream of booking a role that would require me to move or drastically change my life, I’m over it.

Now there’s a Sarah Michelle Gellar sized hole in my dreams. I’m in a weird limbo trying to fill it in. What DO I want to be? A writer? What kind of writer? Novels? Essayist? Copy? I want to own my own business but I don’t want anyone to work for me… oh and also I don’t know what my business is. I love baking and graphic design and podcasting and editing and making people laugh.

In many ways, I’m treating this new chapter as a repeat of my 20s only this time with more wisdom and self-confidence. I suppose this in itself is kind of a dream. Aren’t we always asking what we’d go back and tell our younger selves? This is my opportunity to relive and course correct. Open my eyes and look around, seize ANY opportunity that sounds even a little bit appealing. Meet everyone. Learn everything possible. Experiment and just see. The way loose ends tie up can be delightful if you’ve gathered enough threads.

So, what in the world is next? If I’ve learned anything this week it’s that you can think you know and then be completely surprised by something even better. I’m left in a state of wonder as I write this to you in real time, late into Monday afternoon, the day this posts. Writer’s block had me in a chokehold since I started working on this essay last Thursday, not one word I’m sharing today is from that draft. I sent in my resignation email to my bosses this morning. I’m finally hanging up my apron and moving into several other positions I’m excited to explore. This time I’ll peek into any door that’s open because why not? I’m 40. I don’t know exactly what I want to be but at least now I have the freedom to find out.

READING

Glucose Revolution. I’ve only been eating my veggie starter for a week but ask my sister in law and mother and they’ll tell you the hacks in this book have changed their lives. Flatten that glucose curve and thrive, folks.

WATCHING

The Perfect Couple on Netflix. I found it totally mid and spent most of the time wondering who in the world would put Nicole in such horrific wigs. I’ll never understand.

LISTENING

Alicia Renee Beck

is currently podcasting a seven part series on the chakras that is not to be missed. Check out Superbloom Healing!

Getting this out to you today has been akin to pulling my own teeth out of my head with my bare hands. Admittedly, I’m a little hungover... I also took a GIGANTIC leap for myself today when I gave my work a month’s notice of my impending departure. It’s been a long time coming and I’m leaving with nothing but gratitude and excitement for my future.

Change is bizarre and exhausting and joyful and exhilarating. I’ve been ready to hit refresh and welcome in newness for months and I’m beyond grateful the time has come. I’m sure I’ll be able to reflect on this transition more articulately in the coming weeks. For now, thanks for reading and for being here. As always, I’m sending you love and hope for a wonderful week ahead.