The Perfect Problem

OD'ing on personal development and questioning my own delusions. *Chapter 80*

If you read my Substack or see me in person regularly, you will have heard me spew my latest favorite soundbite,

“I’m really working to vibrate at my highest frequency this year.”

Other versions include: “I’m vibing higher this year.” “I’m not judging or complaining this year.” “I’m really getting to the bottom of why I feel this way this year.” “I’m eliminating worry this year.” “I’m not reacting this year.”

This is well-intentioned, I am always well-intentioned. What I’m NOT always is realistic. I’m a human with a bunch of ideas and opinions walking around with a load of other humans with a bunch of their own.

I routinely wonder how I can get enough sunlight into my eyeballs close enough to when I’ve opened them to optimize my Circadian Rhythms and Vitamin D production. How I can figure out which supplements to take and then afford them. As I choke down another meat stick, I ponder if protein is actually as vital as I’m being bombarded by wellness podcasts into thinking.

Have I been more disciplined in keeping my vibe high this year? Sure. Does it completely eradicate feelings of overwhelm, annoyance, downright disgust, bashful hurt feelings and frustration?

Come to find out.

It sure fucking doesn’t.

Lost in the City, by Bonnie Lynn Felton, lynnfelton.com

In some past life, I like to believe I excused myself from the world to spend my time sitting solo on a mountaintop. Surrounded by goats and grass and trees, I meditated my days away in appreciation of nature and simplicity. Or I was a silent monk. In either scenario, I rarely interacted with other people.

This time around, I am fully engaged with my own species although I suspect some ancient stuck-up part of me clings onto my current DNA, one eyebrow raised always at the state of us. What begins as a journey towards enlightenment always turns into a battle of self. How do I maintain my ideals, be a good and caring person striving to improve when I also think everything and everyone is stupid?

*checks period tracking app to determine which phase of rage I’m entering… see: luteal, 3 days out from the dam break…*

As I rotted on the couch last night, immersed in a two episode documentary about Belle Gibson, the Australian influencer who faked cancer, developed an app and cookbook called The Whole Pantry (backed fully by Apple and Penguin mind you (ever heard of fact checking?)) and then was outed for being a pathological liar and probable sociopath, I couldn’t stop thinking, “this girl fully believes her own bullshit!” She went on national television attempting to defend herself and ended up presenting as a little kid trying to convince her mom she didn’t eat the entire box of Kudos bars. IT WASN’T ME.

arguably my favorite food as a child liar

I got a weird pit in my stomach hole. Oh my god, am I in some high vibe delusion? Convinced that, in fact, it was NOT me who, at 7, scaled the counter to get to the Kudos and scarf down three of them in under 45 seconds? Have I talked myself into some kind of magical thinking? Is it not proof of something divine that I keep seeing 444? Does it matter that I thought of a friend I haven’t talked to in 15 years and then heard about her a day ago from someone random?

Am I completely full of shit??

Daily meditation is a practice I’ve adopted and abandoned enough times to know that I’m better when I’m doing it. Same with exercise. Engaging in both regularly with consistency and discipline and I’m a calmer, hotter version of myself. Same with drinking less. I sleep better, my emotions are more stable, I function higher.

When I’m doing all of these at the same time and getting sunlight AND eating protein AND TAKING COLLAGEN, I become so arrogant about my success that I think I’ll never stop again. I’ve achieved enlightenment. The world is beautiful. Whole foods for everyone! Forrest baths for all!! No more wine!!! VIBES IMMACULATE ALWAYS!!!!

And then I got scolded for dropping the ball at work. A friend I considered close left me out of major life event and I only found out through gossip. For 30 minutes, I scrubbed a pan I’d roasted chicken in, spilling chicken water everywhere and still couldn’t get the gristle off the grates. I held back tears while sopping it all up, so mad and deflated at my crappy week after a previous month of such levity.

But, Brittany, you’re vibrating at your highest frequency this year! Can’t you see the love in everyone? Don’t you wanna laugh about the mess and welcome the opportunity to exert some patience and your sense of humor?? It’s just chicken water!

Turns out, as well intentioned as I may be, I’m constantly faced with the fact that I am indeed still just a person. I indeed still get pissed off and embarrassed, hurt feelings and resentful and impatient. And also, that is fine. At least for me it is.

Even fluffy clouds fill with rain.

No matter how many self development books or affirmations I listen to, I always inevitably find myself humbled by my own assholery. I’m not perfect. Let’s take a sigh of relief for that.

When I called my friend Courtney today to go on a full blown rant, I felt deeply satisfied. God, I love talking shit. Because yeah, I AM an asshole. But I am also an angel.

At the end of the day, I’m a stupid ass person and that’s just great. I was gonna write something really thoughtful and soulful and nice today but when I sat down to type to you, I couldn’t get over how freaking annoying I sounded to myself. So, thanks for reading this tirade instead.

As I’ve worked to maintain my well-being, my lows have gotten higher. It takes a lot now for me to be knocked completely into despair, self-pity or blind rage. I’ve learned to take personal accountability for all of these states and that makes it harder to dwell in them.

When I say I can’t stand other humans what I’m really saying is I can’t stand myself.

It’s been a week of coming to terms with the fact that my own bullshit doesn’t fly anymore. No dishonesty. No lack of integrity. Delusion, maybe, but at least acknowledging it. I’ve learned to love myself enough to allow for all the conflicting parts of me to exist. Down here on the ground, amongst the living, vibing wherever I am in the moment. Problem or not, I think it’s pretty perfect this way.

READING

Betty by Tiffany McDaniel. It took me one sentence to feel fully immersed. I love the world of it, I love her writing and I’m completely transported. It’s a nostalgic coming of age tale and I definitely recommend.

WATCHING

This amazing YouTube video I came across. Judith is a TikTok’er and Substacker and is doing a monthly video project very similar to My Favorite Jeans. Anyway, I think she’s amazing and incredibly wise, especially for someone only 28!

LISTENING

My good friend, Kate Eberstadt, released her first single, Timmy Chalamet, and it is an absolute BOP. Please do yourself a favor and add it to your playlist immediately.

I hope you’ve had a glorious or, at least, a decent week. As you can tell, mine has been just fine.

I have lots of fun things coming your way. The second installment of My Favorite Jeans is coming this Friday. In March, look for the launch of my second Substack, How to Act in a Restaurant, a collection of tips on how to act like not a jerk as a diner and a server and also glowing restaurant reviews. Very excited about it.

Cheers to the last week of February and an inch closer to a Spring bloom. I’m sending you all my love and gratitude. Thanks for reading.