The Friend Edit.
Gratitude for my people and more of the phrase, "when I was your age." *Chapter 6*
“I really don’t want to talk to her. I literally had it in my calendar to call her and I fell asleep instead…” This week, I had the same conversation three times with three different people. Inevitably I asked, “wait, how old are you?” They answered, “31.” (One said, “32”) To which I replied, “oh yeah, yep, I went through this when I was your age.”
I know I’m a broken record about being an ‘almost 40’ person. I’ve completely missed out on being 39 by being ‘almost 40’ but regardless of how old I actually am, my years have afforded me tiny wisdom nuggets to give out every now and again. I’ve been talking about relationships a lot and it reminded me of a chat I had with a friend about this thing we called, The Friend Edit. It happens several times in your life where you evaluate your values and realize who can stay and who’s got to go.
For me, it first happened between fifth and sixth grade. My best friends decided that in middle school they’d become “cool” and smoke and drink and talk about sex. I was like, “ummmm, NO. I like KidPix, Kudos bars and Sarah Michelle Gellar, we can’t be friends anymore, I’m scared.” Born an 80 year old woman with the wherewithal to know we were simply too young for that kind of shit, I promptly found two friends who felt the same. We went to five Backstreet Boys concerts together and taped every single episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer so we could watch it over and over.
*Note: Between my ages of 12 and 29 there were certainly some other friend edits that took place but they happened naturally or circumstantially and didn’t require, from what I can recall, much conscious effort.*
My next major edit came in my early 30s. I entered into a relationship with an emotionally abusive partner and after a year, I’d alienated most of my closest friends and family. Throughout that time, my body kept trying to tell me something was wrong. I’d shiver like I was freezing cold, I had no appetite and I carried a general feeling of fright all the time. It was the same feeling I heeded at 12 years old when I decided I needed new friends but ignored at 31 to proceed into one of the darkest eras of my life. Maybe someday I will go into more exploratory depth about that time but for the purposes of this post, on the other side of that darkness, I emerged with a knowledge of my values and with gratitude. That my best friends were willing to repair our relationships after that year will forever astound me. I would have certainly edited me out of my life.
The great Kim Cattrall once said,
'I don’t want to be in a situation for even an hour where I’m not enjoying myself'
As the wise ‘almost 40’ year old woman I am, this is the sentiment I kept thinking of when discussing The Friend Edit with my younger pals. I do NOT believe relationships have to or should be hard.1 I listened to a 27 year old tell me on a podcast this week that, “relationships are hard,” like it’s a fact of life. Ten years ago, I would have agreed with her. Hard relationships, romantic or platonic, signal passion and excitement, they’re sexy, the stuff dreams are made of. You’re living life, gathering stories. Suffering! RELATIONSHIPS ARE HARD BUT SO WORTH IT… I don’t buy it. I do not. Fucking. Buy it. I don’t have any relationships that are hard anymore. That is not a humble brag, it is simply truth. What I said to my friends this week is, if it’s hard, it might be time to edit. But there really isn’t anyway to learn this without just living it I suppose.
There is a difference between being hard and being work. Relationships require nurturing. They require honesty. Honesty can seem scary but I believe it’s in avoiding truth that relationships become hard. Your truth evolves. It expands you all the time and sometimes you grow bigger and faster than the people you’ve surrounded yourself with. It’s okay to get rid of what doesn’t fit anymore. Or even just to fold it and put it on a shelf for awhile. Maybe you’ll grow to love it again later.
Ease has become a huge priority for me. I am surrounded by friends old and new who are lovely and who are easy. I can honestly say that I have no problem telling a friend, “I don’t feel like doing that,” or “No, I don’t have time to talk right now, let’s figure out when will work.” And they say, “okay, you ornery old hag, TTYL, LYLAS.” And I love them. *A discussion about the relationship you have with yourself and respecting your own boundaries would be appropriate here but I’ll leave it for another day.* Life can be so hard, relationships shouldn’t be. I’m with Kim.
Anyway.
In a week from today, we will be on a plane to New York City and I will become an ACTUAL 40 year old person. What in the world will I talk about after it happens? I finished listening to Big Magic. I can’t recommend enough, re-reading books that have spoken to you in the past. You always hear something different when you revisit.
This week, I’ve consumed…
READING
The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid. Listen, I was scarred by Emily Henry. I am so sorry to say, I have never been more bored with a book in my life and so I was reluctant to try another popular book but this one, what a treat! It’s an easy read and it’s transportive. I am loving it.
How Often do you Think about the Roman Empire. A post from the Substack, Shit You Should Care About. I’d heard about this trend but as I am not allowed to have TikTok because I have no self control, I hadn’t really experienced it. What a revelation when I asked Alan how often he thinks about it and he said, in complete earnest, “ummm, maybe 1-2 times a week,” to which I replied, “WHAT?!”
WATCHING
Platonic. Speaking of relationships. This is the Seth Rogan, Rose Byrne show on AppleTV and I say it’s preeeeeeetty good? I like it but I am annoyed by it. Talk about honesty, I just keep thinking, why don’t you people just tell each other what you’re actually feeling?? But then I guess there wouldn’t really be a show, huh?
LISTENING
I still need music. Help me. All I’ve listened to this week are several astrology forecasts…
For the record, my version of the Roman Empire is Anne of Green Gables and The Secret Garden. And Amelie. I think about them weekly and sometimes daily. Someone mentioned the Titanic (the ship not the movie) and yes, I think of that several times a year. And last night, I came across a story on Instagram that proclaimed the moment Ulay visited Marina Abramović during her The Artist is Present exhibit at MoMa as her Roman Empire and I gotta say, that one’s got weight.
I hope you have the most spectacular of weeks kicked off by a glorious Monday. I hope you are surrounded by sensational friends who make you feel safe and loved. And I hope you will join me again here next week.
IT IS OFFICIALLY FALL!
xoxo.
This footnote is to acknowledge that I absolutely understand that some relationships with family are hard and have to be dealt with regardless of a desire for ease or belief that relationships shouldn’t be hard. These kinds of relationships fall into the ‘life is hard’ category. And also, to my mama and daddy friends, I would like to honor that your relationships with your toddlers and three-nagers and teenagers, are absolutely hard. Don’t listen to me waxing poetic about my beliefs on relationships. I love you.
okay, so I'm listening to Til The Medicine Takes. It's a studio album, no run-on sentences, and Climb To Safety is one of your bro's favorite tunes. Plus Party at Your Mama's is a soothing instrumental. GIVE IT A CHANCE. Love you...
Mama's Gun by Erykah Badu will always reset me into my alignment when things feel uneasy. But also its just good and honest and full of love and that's exactly what i want in my life rn. (Started listening to it again the moment we parted ways from dinner the other night.)