The Dip.
What goes up, must come down.*Chapter 39*
Two nights ago I fell asleep sobbing. I’d read earlier in the day that swans mate for life and if they lose their lover, become heartbroken. What first invoked my tenderness, was thinking about growing old with Alan. An absolutely beautiful inevitability I hope we are lucky enough to live out. The image of us gazing at each other with eyes aged to 75 or older, I couldn’t take it. In popped the image of a heartbroken swan and I was a complete mess.
The inescapable truth of life has been turning me inside out this week. How absolutely beautiful and terrible and sad and joyous this all can be, all at once. Whew. I’m tearing up again. I’m gonna blame this overwhelm on the solar storms and hope I get grounded again in the next few days.
I’ve become attuned to opposition in the past few years, aware that I understand bliss because I also understand despair. Having felt happier and more content with my life than I have been since I was 22 at theater camp1, I’ve been anticipating a dip. Maybe even fearing what happens when faced with the opposite of blissed out, in-love expansion.
My lighthouse of a therapist, Emily, used to use the metaphor of a pendulum for life. When something major happens and the trajectory of the swing of emotions is wide and extreme, a roller coaster. As you work through and live on, settle down and into a new chapter, the weight becomes more centered, the swings smaller and less violent. This week has been a gentle swing to the other side. Not fully into sadness, more like sober contemplation. Life is very full. It contains everything. All the time. And it ends.
I’m grateful to be at a point in my life where I’ve found myself safe stepping into the realm of the existential. Able to calmly appreciate the wonder and awe of it all without becoming paralyzed with fear of the unknown. This is new. I spent the first two years of my life with Alan terrified that something would happen to pull the rug out from under this happiness and plunge me into the void. Thankfully, that anxiety has dissipated and I feel free. I’ll attribute that to time and recovery from Pandemic Era stress, a whole other concept I’d love to discuss in another post.
This week has been somber. But somber in a good way if that can exist. It’s been accepting that I’ve expanded to the point of being able to hold a lot more than I used to be capable of. To have the good and the bad and the soothing and the scary present all at once. To be able to go on living, appreciating all that I have and having an absolute blast while realizing it won’t last forever and that that is okay.
At the end of the day, sometimes it just feels good to fucking cry. Ya know? Really let it out, get deep down into your heart and feel it all. Everything. All of your joy and all of your pain and all of your gratitude and anger and wonder and fear. It is what makes us whole and human, the ability to do that. What a complete and total miracle it is to be alive. And absolutely, I am writing this to you while tears stream down my face, because I am full and I am so grateful. To release a little more of the weight of existence, to lighten up with acceptance and laugh hysterically at the fact that the image of that goddamn lonely swan has waddled back into my mind and that I may just keep crying forever. Hilarious and tragic, all at once.
READING
I loved this post from, A Tiny Apt, reflecting on her 34 year old self. Such an important age where I had a massive growth spurt too. Super nostalgic, uplifting and interesting.
WATCHING
The Roast of Tom Brady. It’s a no for me. Watching football players perform comedy, I quite literally hid under a blanket from second hand embarrassment. Also, like WHY? Why did this happen? Did it raise money for something? Also, hot take, Tom Brady is a terrifying human to look at? If you’ve ever dipped your toe into lizard people theory shit, he’d qualify as one in my book…sorry…did this just become a roast?
LISTENING
Dreamy piano music from my appropriately titled Daylist, Calm Depress Sesh Sunday Evening…
Happy day after Mother’s Day to all the mamas and people who care for others like mamas do out there. We celebrated with a lovely brunch at my brother and sister-in-law’s where my nephew, Quinn, tried a peach for the first time and I almost sobbed for the 19th time this week.
I hope your Spring is springing. I’m making a strawberry shrub this week with berries I got from the farmer’s market. There’s something about a vinegary twang I can’t get enough of, I plan to have a shrub in the fridge all summer and experiment with different recipes.
Enjoy your week. As always, I appreciate your company and am so thankful to have you here.
xoxo.
Read my entry about my summer at the Williamstown Theater Festival for reference.
Laughter through tears- my favorite emotion!
Beautifully written Boo. ❤️