Sugar-Free
She's on another journey y'all. *Chapter 9*
Journeys (not the store) used to be my thing. Give me a fitness journey, give me a cleanse, I’d be dedicated to the border of obsession. It is wild and hilarious to me that during my time of militance, when I was arguably in my best shape, I also thought I was too heavy. I always had more weight to lose or diets to try. When I moved home three years ago, I had already put on around 10 pounds and I was upset. I wanted to lose those ten plus another twenty, get to my “healthy weight” and move back to Los Angeles to pick up where I left off. L-O-F’ING-L. Cut to present, I am at my heaviest, I am at my happiest, I have not one desire to ever in a million years move back West or be that skinny again.
But this isn’t just an “omg, I’m so happy, look at me, la la la” post. No. I went to the gyno for my yearly last Monday and had an eye opening epiphany when I stepped on the scale. “Ah, so it’s not that I’ve been drying my clothes for too long on too hot…mmmmk.” I have officially put on 30 pounds. Talking about weight is rather taboo. Talking about weight is boring. But listen, I am thrilled by the fact that I look in the mirror these days and think, “I don’t get it, I look good, I weigh more, but I look good?” Because if 2019 Brittany saw the number on the scale that 2023 Brittany just did, sheer panic and shame would have engulfed her. In June, I posted A Health Journey, where I wrote that I just can’t muster the strength to hate my body anymore and I standby that and I’m so happy to say that I do. I do not hate my body at the heaviest it’s ever been, I actually love it more than I ever have. What I don’t love is the idea of investing in a whole new wardrobe because all of my pants are uncomfortably tight these days.
I’m taking a page from my friend Zarinah’s book. Over on her Substack, The Weekly Work, she brilliantly points out why October, as opposed to stupid January, is a great time for goal setting. Please go read it, it’s perfect. October is my birthday month, the beginning of Fall and a perfect time for creating some new habits and envisioning a future self. Even though Winter is coming and seasonally it is a time of darkness and rest, I feel motivated to embark on a new journey. Because, if I’m being honest, weight gain aside, I just don’t feel all that great. I feel heavy and my insides feel dirty and I want to feel light, bright and clean. So, tomorrow I am beginning a two-week no sugar, no booze, keep it light on the dairy and heavy on the whole foods cleanse of sorts. Oh lord, now that I’ve written it here I feel like I actually have to do it. But, in the same way that 9 weeks ago I set out to become a consistent Substack poster, I am now ready to clean up my body and lighten my load.
I’m not setting a weight number goal. I don’t have a scale and I never will again. I want my clothes to fit me comfortably. I want to feel good about what I’m eating. I want to be intentional and thoughtful with all of my life. My word for my 40s is ELEGANCE and tomorrow I begin cultivating my elegant self.
Here are some things I’ve consumed this week…
READING
The Obelisk Gate by N.K. Jemesin. This is the second book of the Broken Earth Trilogy. I read The Fifth Season last summer and really liked it. It’s told from varying points of view but most interestingly from the second person, which is weird and cool and places you in the story in such a compelling way. It’s dark, apocalyptic fantasy and I’m excited to get back into it.
WATCHING
Beckham on Netflix. Mostly, I didn’t know he was such a good athlete? I find Posh to be snarky and funny but I was also left wondering if she’s staying with him for appearances because by episode 3 you realize what a spoiled, bratty man he is. Affair or no? Sounds like it to meeeee.
The Ringleader: The Case of the Bling Ring on HBO Max. Honestly, take it or leave it. It’s good background noise and Rachel Lee, “the mastermind” is kind of a sociopath, that’s interesting?
LISTENING
Damsels in Divorce. My friends started a podcast! I’m so proud and think it’s so great. Give it a listen, I think it’s gonna be an awesome place for divorcees to find some solace.
Provence Work Music. This dreamy playlist was made by photographer, Jamie Beck, who moved her life from New York City to Provence and uses this music while creating her still life portraits. I became obsessed with her over pandemic and this endless soundtrack has been very soothing during a very unsettling week.
The grief of the world is heavy. I hope you are taking care of yourself as best you can. I am making Alison Roman’s Dilly Bean Stew for comfort tonight.
As always, I am sending you love and light and looking forward to sharing another Good Thing with you this Thursday. It’s a recipe I love. I find baking to be a balm and I hope you will too.
I’ll see you here again next week sugar-free and likely in withdrawal because of it.
xoxo.
I feel like I need an inside out cleanse too!