A Health Journey

Or when you realize how complicated you've made the simplest things in life.

Never not a model though. (from our staff James Beard Awards party, spoiler alert, WE WON.)

I’m not about to say anything that hasn’t been said before and now that I’ve said that let me just say, we know too much. Toooooo much. Don’t get me wrong, it’s cool how quickly we can access information but when I find myself questioning how and when and why to eat food, one of the very basics of being a human being, there are simply too many facts floating around in here. 

I have been on many health and fitness journeys in my life. In college, I got really into bouncing on a mini trampoline to clear out my lymphatic system. Then in my early 20s, I became obsessed with the Fat Flush diet and drank pure cranberry juice at a rate that would have anyone assuming I was suffering from chronic UTI’s. (I wasn’t.) In my mid 20s, I saw an infomercial for the Tracy Anderson Method and maxed out a credit card ordering the dvd set. Her nutrition guide suggested I eat about 1000 calories a day and her videos had me flapping my arms around to exhaustion. My late 20s found me fascinated with The Law of Attraction, eventually becoming convinced that any thought I had would come true and fearing my own mind for a time. On the cusp of turning 35, I decided I really needed to “get my life together” and embarked on what I called The 90 Day Challenge. I wrote for 30 minutes everyday and completed the good ole Tracy Anderson Method again. I also started a meditation practice. Shortly after that journey, I became entranced by the YouTube fit-girl community and took on several fitness guides from tiny women who love the gym and salad and macros. Around that time I also started seeing (and briefly working for) two functional medicine doctors who told me I am sensitive to eggs and put me on a regimen that saw me spending around $350 a month on supplements and support. I’ve been vegetarian and vegan and dairy free and gluten free and sugar free and when I finally decided to move home, I was exhausted. When I realized that grabbing a Coke from my parent’s refrigerator invoked wondering if I was “allowed” to have it because it’s “bad” for me, I decided enough is e-fucking-nough. And so I spent much of the past few years becoming aware of and untangling the thoughts in my brain that tell me what I can and can’t eat and how I should or shouldn’t be exercising. It’s been necessary and freeing. I have gained about 30 pounds, something that would have depressed me to near paralysis a few years ago. These days, I can very honestly say my weight doesn’t seem to bother me. I keep trying to make it bother me but I just can’t seem to muster the strength to hate my body anymore. Before I start sounding too much like a Pinterest meme I want to dive into where I am now on my current Health Journey.

Turning milestone ages is like…such a thing. I’m turning 40 in October. I’ve written plenty about this before so to abridge my thoughts I will simply mention, it’s the first time I’ve felt like I’m actually getting older. Thoughts about my skin and my hormones prevail. I worry about my health and my bones and longevity in ways that never even occurred to me before about three months ago when I started to come out of the celebration haze of falling in love. So now we are up to date. Lately, I have not been feeling my best, I don’t feel vibrant, radiant like I wish to and this is due to a few factors. 1. As I mentioned earlier, in order to unwind my obsessive thoughts about eating and exercise, I essentially abandoned ALL consideration of either 2. I fell in love and proceeded to drink to the occasion, many, many Cheers! (honestly, the best) 3. I’ve been struggling to figure out what my health and fitness identity is now, am I a fit-girl in the gym all the time? Am I a lush, soft nature woman who only goes on walks and does yoga? Am I super in touch with my cycle and eating to support myself through every phase??

I have again found myself swirling around the whirlpool of information. Give me a podcast about hormones, blood sugar spikes, neuroscience, I’ll eat it up like a 4 piece chicken strip from Chick-Fil-A. But at this point, I feel like I know too much. Is this workout okay for me if I’m 5 days out from my period? If I eat this will my blood sugar spike and put me at risk of developing dementia? Is this face cream seeping into my pores and disrupting my progesterone levels? And the classic, am I dying? I get decision paralysis from too many factoids, too many warnings and opinions on what is the best way to live. They’ve infiltrated my brain to the point where I’ve finally realized, I just have to stop.

Information is great, it’s powerful and it’s helpful, but only to a degree. At the end of the day, it’s me and me in here. I’m the one who has to feed and walk and wash myself and fortunately, I already learned how to do all those things…like…a long time ago. As I said, I’m not saying anything that hasn’t been said before but in case you need to hear this as much as I do, you’re the one who knows what you need. That mediation practice I picked up at 35 continues to serve me best in times of confusion like this. Getting quiet enough to remember what my own true voice sounds like, the calm one, not the one that’s constantly poking me “are you suuuuuure you wanna eat that? are you suuuuure you wanna do that workout?” This health journey feels like a culmination of all the other health journeys I’ve embarked on in the past except now I’m realizing, I already know the things I need to know. Eat good food, go for a walk, lift some weights, get some good sleep, drink water, it’s as simple as that and simple sounds great.

I hope you’re all doing well and getting excited for Summer’s arrival. I certainly felt a blooming this Spring and am sensing a desire to show off all my new leaves like these gorgeous trees are doing for the hot months. I’ll talk to you again soon.

To your health and well-being, cheers!