For Better or For Worse

Working just to be. *Chapter 98*

While flossing my teeth last Friday night, I looked in the mirror and thought, “you are amazing.”

I’m a very humble person. I swear I am.

A couple months into my journey of becoming a Human Design reader and I can tell you I begin every session by explaining the need to detach from the idea of better or worse. You are who you are. Own it, be it. Your uniqueness is what makes you special and that specialness is necessary to move the world in a bright, right direction.

I still consider my nightly flossing superior behavior.

Having spent much of my 20s and 30s wanting desperately to be a lady, someone who effortlessly ticks off the To Do List, I'm feeling pretty on top of my shit these days. Wednesdays, I do laundry. Sundays, I fill out my Google calendar. I never leave dishes in the sink and I make our bed everyday. All tasks that used to pain me. Things I'd resist doing in a stubborn attempt to prove to myself how much I sucked. Now, at 41, I'm over that story.

But my present routines could never have been adopted by me until they were.

Quarantini-ing, by Bonnie Lynn Felton, lynnfelton.com

I'm a bit of a broken record when it comes to epiphanies as everything seems to circle one truth, you can only be where you are and that's exactly where you're supposed to be. Not better, worse, good or bad, just presence.

Here in my presence, I've been watching as I give myself flowers for absolutely mundane shit. My ego seductively wraps its tentacles around my waist as I scrub the bathtub and whispers, "you're fucking amazing, look at you."

I feel a little ashamed of my pride. Practice what you preach, Felton, just because you habitually floss and tidy your home doesn't mean you're better than anyone else. I KNOW THAT. Of course I do. The 'better than' I'm judging against is my older self. Baby Brittany who let laundry pile up for months, was embarrassed to have people over to a messy apartment, who felt incapable of being an adult. I feel much, much better than she did.

But then there still exists the worse. As better as I feel about my current discipline, consistency and cleanliness, there still exists deep (but healing) wounds around my money and my weight. Every time I spend on clothing, something I've been doing more this year with extreme measure and consideration, I feel a shattering pang of guilt. Shaky anxiety, the little girl inside of me bashfully peeks out. Not so sure she's a grown up yet. Still reeling from every overdraft notification. Still paying off credit card debt from the early days. Old, crusty scabs around back-to-school shopping, I always knew I was spoiled and I'm still so embarrassed about it. Struggle created where there never was any.

I still stand in front of the mirror and feel disappointed. My belly, my thighs, my cellulite. Will I ever truly not care? The sting is much more manageable, fleeting feelings that go as quickly as they come but still arrive daily. Shouldn't I have grown out of this by now? Age is for acceptance. But I want so badly to be willowy and slim, elegant and tall, in a perfectly tailored pant.

I've been inviting all of my worse in so I can examine it more closely and practice letting it go. Feeling as badly as I possibly can, like diving into the deep-end until it feels like my ears will pop and explode my brain. I want to feel all the way better by feeling all the way worse. But then what? What would I have to work on and obsess over if I let all the shame go? I'm working to find that out.

All the time, in a looping thought trap, I think I should: eat less sugar, drink less wine, go for more walks. I could thrift only. Spend nothing until I'm fully debt free. I could and should have a bigger 401K but I don't. I can only be where I am.

I told you a few weeks ago how I'm challenging myself to look in the mirror and tell the truth. To know without a shade of doubt that I believe I'm doing my best. No bullshit. Saying things from integrity and not just because they sound good. It's what's challenged me to create my next, My Favorite Jeans, video. It's easier to say what you think you should but it's so much more interesting to tell it like it is.

Which is why I will admit that I do actually think flossing my teeth every single day makes me a better person. And also that, while I want to make a video about overcoming my desire to lose weight and accept who I am, where I am, that’s not actually true. I’m frustrated that my fitness journey has produced seemingly no results and I regularly get discouraged about it. And yet, I’m also more at peace with it all than ever before.

There’s something to be said for embracing one’s ego, for better and for worse, loving the parts of ourselves that are boastful and bashful and even full of shame. Because yeah, we can only be where we are when we’re there and that’s just exactly how it’s supposed to be.

READING

Fast Like a Girl from Dr. Mindy Pelz. Anybody read this? I’ve been listening to it on Audible. The benefits of fasting have always made more sense to me than eating first thing in the morning and all throughout the day so I’m interested to see how this feels.

DOING

Last week I did Yoga three times and my back has never hurt more. I don’t think I’ll ever be a Yoga girl, I ALWAYS end up hurting myself.

EATING

There’s this thing that happens in Summer. All the Farmer’s Market regulars who go throughout the year, even in the dead of cold, look at each other with rolling eyes as EVERYONE comes out of the woodwork for the warmer months. Lines get long and snake up and down the parking lot, people vying for the best tomatoes and melons and cucumbers and peaches and all the goodness that comes from the heat. Anyway, I made a salad from all of those ingredients plus some mozzarella and avocado, a little salt, olive oil and a tinnnny bit of honey last Saturday and it was divine.

Chapter 98. Y’all. I’m bored as fuck. I feel like I say the same thing over and over and over and over. Week after week. Reflect, reflect, metaphor, metaphor, metaphor, yawn, barf, crawl out of my skin. I’ve got the ick.

And so, I THINK, I think, I’ve decided to take a summer break. After Chapter 100 publishes two weeks from now, I wanna step away for the last month and a half of the season and come back fresh for the Fall. I’d love to do some more podcasts and videos so I doubt it’s gonna be radio silence. And also, this is just what I’m tossing around in my tired and bored old brain at this exact moment. Maybe I’ll be smashed by a wave of inspiration this week and change my mind, who knows.

Anyway, as always, thanks so much for being here and for reading. I’m sending you all my love and light and I’ll talk to you next week.