Alchemy of Self

Breaking apart to come back together. *Chapter 96*

The topic of alchemy has come up for me several times over the past week. I’ve been re-reading The Alchemist. And by re-reading, I mean keeping it next to my bed and picking it up when I feel like a refreshment, it’s a drink of cold water on a hot day.

Then, when driving last Wednesday, the word popped into my head like a lyric to a song, looping over and over until one of the hosts of the podcast playing in the background used the actual word, “alchemy,” and I was snapped so hard out of my daze and into reality I remembered I was in a car. Synchronicities are crazy. So is blacking out while driving fully awake and sober.

Be Quiet, Listen, by Bonnie Lynn Felton, lynnfelton.com

Yesterday, knowing I had another long drive ahead, I searched and found an episode of a podcast that’s always long and perfect for zoning out to, Know Thyself with André Duqum. I often think I don’t actually like this show, call it a healthy skepticism of hosts in the spiritual space, but I actually end up loving it every time. Really great, very deep and truly insightful conversations.

The guest of this particular episode was Dr. Theresa Bullard, a physicist who studies the link between alchemy and science. (I told you alchemy keeps coming up for me this week.) The discussion began with a talk about the origins of science, when spirituality and curiosity were intertwined. Science WAS mystical until it broke away from its roots in alchemy. Before dogma and a need for proof abounded. Before religion and science were politicized. When we trusted in the knowledge we inherit at birth. Instinct and consciousness awarded for being human.

Alchemy happens in seven stages. Best illustrated by the evolution of a butterfly, from squirmy caterpillar to winged pollinator, the process involves complete dissolution before absolute transformation. Finalizing in a beautiful insect breaking out of its chrysalis, taking even more time after emerging to dry its wings, rest and gain enough strength to fly.

I couldn’t help but choke back several sobs as I drew obvious parallels to my own life and then to the collective as a whole. Dissolving into ash before rising into something new and more beautiful. A process not to be rushed lest we miss the chance to gain the proper fortitude to withstand the world. We need time, just the right amount, before evolving.

This discussion hit me right in the gut. First of all, how wild that I’d been thinking about alchemy all week. To myself I’d declared, “alchemy is belief.” Who says we can’t turn lead into gold? Maybe we simply don’t believe with enough certainty for it to be true. Or maybe we give up along the way because the road is long, blocked by doubt and terrifying all the time. If only we’d keep pushing onwards with faith and relentless belief, the marvels I am sure we would achieve.

To become a more splendid and pure version of one’s self requires shattering. A liquefying of what once was, going inward to stew and rebuild, to be born again and still need more time to become. It’s an unavoidably painful and gruesome process that forces stretching and pushing and agonizing surrender. But an oak tree looks nothing like an acorn. And you can’t enjoy the shade of a seed, can you?

Breaking apart to come back together as something bigger and better. What poetry in a time when we are desperate for flow. Even science is alchemizing, having abandoned the possibility that it could be linked with mysticism and the magic of being alive. Now we are at the intersection of awakening, when we realize what we’ve been trying to prove has been known all along. A knowledge no words or human mind could ever explain, a surrender into what simply is.

Separation from self and each other is excruciating and we are feeling it now more than ever. Whether it be over politics or religion, beliefs or opinions, I’ve landed at my own reflection. Can I look in the mirror and know that I am truly doing my best? What feels tender or triggers my shame? Am I taking care of myself?

Do I believe myself?

Do I doubt myself?

Am I living everyday with my highest integrity?

And can I answer these questions with absolute truth, whatever that means to me. Feel fully relaxed in my body with no indication of a lie or suspicion.

I’ve alchemized into someone new several times in the past four decades. My container for possibility expands each year with experience and wisdom gained. I feel in a constant process of cleaning up my mind through self discovery and a dedication to purity and what feels true. It’s made my capacity for service much greater, the balance between giving and receiving beginning to settle into peace.

In a world that feels so unnaturally divided, it’s nearly impossible to maintain this newfound calm and yet, I will persevere. Knowing that from the ashes will rise something grander than imagined. I want to be here holding up the light of hope and encouraging you to do the same.

“When we strive to become better, everything around us becomes better, too.”

-Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

READING

Y’all I’m reading Crazy, Rich Asians and absolutely having a freaking blast. Obviously, I’ve seen the movie 100,000 times so it seemed right to finally pick up the series. I will be going back to book two of ACOTAR afterwards, I think.

WATCHING

I tried watching Sirens on Netflix and was so bored that I googled what the twist at the end was, yawned at that and then fully gave up on the whole show.

LISTENING

My friend Kera, of the Substack Kitchen Magick, was recently asking for self-development and inspirational podcasts. I always come back to Know Thyself with André Duqum, Align with Jenna Zoe and I go in and out of listening to Expanded, the To Be Magnetic Podcast.

Spotify also has a bunch of audiobooks for free (well probably with a membership) and I love putting on anything by Louise Hay, specifically The Power is Within You and You Can Heal Your Life.

I stand by listening to and consuming content critically and skeptically and find myself turned off by any host that takes on a guru or “I know best, follow me” persona. YOU always know best but it’s fun and expansive to listen to new ideas and conversations.

Oh my oh my, what a few weeks it’s been. With non stop event work and travel for the job (will never get over getting to do this), I was craving a chance to sit down, be quiet and write. It’s taken a full week to get back into my routine and it’s going to get disrupted again immediately, but I really am loving these new adventures.

After speaking with my director, producer, editor and the talent (all me) we’ve made the decision to combine the next installment of My Favorite Jeans into a May/June Q2 combo video. As June is basically almost over, this feels like the best call and takes the pressure off me to jam something together.

Bringing back my podcast for the Summer has also been percolating in the back of my mind but I’m hesitant to overcommit and set myself up for disappointment. Anyway, those are all the thoughts and maybes.

Thank you so much for being here and for reading. I’m sending you all so much love and connection and I will talk to you next week.