Cheekbones and a Double Chin

When you're somewhere in between who you were and who you're becoming, you just are. *Chapter 91*

At some point in my life, I developed this funny practice of pressing on my cheeks. With the fingertips of both my hands, I lightly palpate the sides of my face. This in an effort to determine how “puffy” I am that day. Did I drink the night before? Eat too much salty food? Did I sleep okay? Press, press, press. How guilty should I feel? Am I failing?

I spent my 20s and 30s pursuing a “career” in acting, wearing the badge of starving artist both proudly and bashfully. With little to prove to the world or myself my worth as an actress, I always felt behind. Like I was constantly waiting.

I envied people who hadn’t decided who they were going to be at 12 years old. Theatre kid, turned Drama major turned NYC and LA server, refusing to ever change my hair after spending thousands of dollars on new headshots. Coworkers who weren’t actors so willing to walk through open doors, eagerly letting life lead them down new paths. I’d been told in every acting class since middle school that in order to succeed you had to want it (see: to be famous) more than anything else in your life. It took years to untangle that knot of belief and free myself from the tunnel vision that kept me trapped.

The Savvy Traveler, by Bonnie Lynn Felton, lynnfelton.com

In third grade, I grew both up and out at equal speeds making me the tallest and widest girl in my class and instantly aware of my size, sudden body consciousness. I knew I had to wear a sports bra when no one else did and I also knew I wasn’t pretty. This brought me deep sadness for most of my pre- and early teenage years and pried me from identifying too closely with my body. I wanted to be beautiful but I didn’t know why and so I attached my identity to my personality. Funny actress.

It’s a wild juxtaposition to be someone obsessed with being perceived and to have little perception of who that someone is. After years of self development practices like meditation and mindfulness, I’m finally starting to understand a little more “who I am” and to begin to integrate my body and my personality into a cohesive being. I think we call this “self love”.

I’ve gained and lost weight countless times in my life. My solid knees and wide hips have always kept me from the “body of my dreams” or “that insidious idea implanted into our young brains making us think we need (to spend copious amounts of money on) [insert all beauty products, protein shakes, waist trainers, workout plans, etc…] to look like models who were quite literally BORN THAT WAY”. Mind exploding and blood boiling to think we keep trying and feeling like failures.

Let me give you a real knee slapper:

After years of disordered eating, cleanses and the obsessive working out I thought would finally bring me love, I’ve ended up with a partner obsessed with my body at a size I would have considered “huge” twenty years ago. Heartbreaking to think how cruel I’ve been to myself. Terrible, punishing thoughts that started at the age of 9 and continued looping to the point of silent familiarity or what we’d call my subconscious.

The month of April found me, as I mentioned in my video, feeling defeated and overwhelmed with the fact that I haven’t lost any weight although I’ve been working out for months. Several incredible friends and commenters pointed out varying factors like perimenopause and muscle replacing fat as reasons for my stubborn progress. I’m basing my frustration on previous journeys where results have been fast, failing to also account for insane diet restrictions and massive anxiety contributing to the speed with which I lost weight.

A few days ago, I sat at the bar of the restaurant where I worked for three years, the place where I met Alan and all of my Atlanta friends. I’d just learned that the cheese table I styled for a wedding the week prior, had been pictured in the New York Times, a completely crazy and unexpected perk of a job I said yes to and then scrambled to learn the skills for. The payoff of this experience not only a professional gain but also proof of the reward of walking through open doors. Something I’ve been craving since my days locked into the fallacy of acting success by way of painful and empty persistence.

c/o The New York Times for the wedding of @libbylivingcolorfully

I sipped my $7 Happy Hour martini and thought, when do I get to bask? Why do I STILL need to lose 30 pounds? Gain complete financial freedom, career recognition and the perfect body to revel in all the cool shit that’s happening? It’s a wild experience to look at pictures of myself and not recognize who I’m seeing. My cheekbones aren’t as prominent as they used to be, my double chin hangs lower and the collagen I never even knew I had has certainly begun to make her exit.

What’s more wild is that I could have marveled at this habit of skewed self perception countless times since I turned 9. I’ve never looked the way I think I should. Even when I’d press my cheeks and feel bone, I wasn’t thin, pretty or famous enough to feel satisfied. And how fucking tragic because when I step outside myself and take a look, I am or have been, to an extent, all of those things already.

I’ve never allowed myself to sink fully into where I am because I’ve been in pursuit of something I considered to be better. I look back on my early 20s and miss my sense of style and dreaminess, my certainty that all my dreams would come true and my willingness to chase them. But at 23, I remember looking forward to falling in love, having a stable partner and an exciting, rich life. Nothing has panned out the way I thought it would and when I let myself realize it, everything is better than I could have imagined.

Press, press, press. My cheeks are soft and full. I had three glasses of wine last night and ate left over chicken on the couch while Alan watched a Vietnam documentary and I caught up on Substacks. Yeah, I’m a little “puffy”. In response to the comments on my video I wrote, “I’ve also decided this month to just start living like I’m in the exact shape and body I want to be in. Already made it, no more ‘losing weight’ already perfect! Thanks for watching!! You’re the best!!”

Enough with feeling constantly like I’m doing something wrong. Over thirty years of shaming myself for things I’d never in my wildest dreams think to shame someone else for. Although I’ve grown leaps and bounds from the self-conscious (more like unconscious) young woman of my early life, I’m still clearly in the process of untangling the belief knot that keeps me feeling like I’m not where I want to be.

I’m very much in between an old and new self, but I’m happy to be heading into middle life with more openness and flexibility. Acceptance that there can be contented peace and presence while still wanting for more. Redirecting my motives and doing things because they feel good regardless of the results they may produce. Letting go of guilt and punishment over enjoying my life. Leaving room for surprise and most importantly, learning to love exactly who I’ve been, who I am and who I’m going to be. Like I said in the title, when you’re somewhere in between who you were and you’re becoming, you just are.

WATCHING

Shameless plug, go watch the latest, My Favorite Jeans, if you haven’t.

LISTENING

In honor of Mother’s Day yesterday, listen to my podcast episode from last year in which my dear friend Liz Layton and I discuss her later in life journey to motherhood.

PRACTICING

Looking in the mirror and saying, “Holy shit you look hot!” Regardless of how I think I look or feel, fuck it, I look hot and so do you and we know it’s true! Enough is enough!

Apart from becoming a famous cheese stylist this week, I’ve been focused on completing my Level 2 certification for Human Design readings. I’m capable now of Level 1 readings and will soon be offering them via my website that I’m in the process of redesigning so, if that interests you, be on the lookout.

I hope you had a lovely weekend and have an even lovelier week. Thank you so much for reading and for being here. Talk to you soon!