I feel…
like…
nervous to write about this...
The discussion of whether or not you want a kid feels weirdly vulnerable. I don’t usually find vulnerability to be all that challenging and I am extraordinarily open about most things, but writing about this feels scary.
Regardless, I’ve recently read several posts by women exploring the topic. The comment sections have been so involved and engaged. It’s made me want to offer my take.
I am in absolute awe of the magic and miracle of motherhood, I, however, have never felt called to become one myself. As a teenager, I declared to my mother in the middle of a bratty rage, “I WILL NEVER HAVE CHILDREN.” This was meant to hurt and insult her. A comment on how hard and terrible she made being a parent seem.1 (please see footnote)
I was a teenage asshole but I can see now that I also kind of meant it. I have never fantasized about having a family. I never played with baby dolls or wheeled stuffed animals around in play strollers. I loved Breyer horses, made the dog go over jumps I built in the backyard like he was a pony. I’d force my little brother to pretend he was a reindeer and pull me around on my rollerblades. And I adapted Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves into a play we could act out in the backyard, mostly a ploy to get my neighbor, Randy, to kiss me.
I’ve spent most of my life fantasizing about how I want to live. A constant daydream about how wonderful my life will be. Early on, I dreamt of living on a horse farm. Waking up and walking outside to my own barn. Brushing my horses and riding them all day long. Then, I decided I’d become a doctor and heal people. After that, I became and remained infatuated with the idea of being a famous actress. My greatest wish for my life, even more than a horse or a shiny career, was the desire to fall in love with someone. To find a partner has always been my most prominent fantasy. Pro-creating with that person, never been a thought that crossed my mind.
In my 30s, I began to wonder when my biological clock would start ticking. I anticipated the burning in my ovaries, the longing for a child. Several of my friends had babies and I loved and felt completely natural with them. I told myself that when I met the person I wanted to be with, I’d know if having children was in the cards for me. Now that he’s here, I still just don’t.
But nurturing is my love language and Mothers are sacred. The greatest honor of my life has been to witness my friends step into the role. To meet and know and love their babies, miracles I will never take for granted.
Apart from my values, my core friendships, my family and my boyfriend, in which I feel incredibly solid and content, I am a pretty fluid person. I have made several declarations in the past about my life, my identity, who I am and who I am going to be and then decided to make a complete 180 degree pivot months later. My opinions about myself and my future can change drastically from year to year. I’ve waited for the desire for children to overtake my heart but year after year, it doesn’t. It seems strange to me that, as such a maternal person, I am lacking the want to become a mom.
As I’ve gotten older though, I’ve found a way to articulate what I’ve struggled in the past to say. Because so many women feel called to have children, know without a doubt that having a baby is at least one of their priorities, I feel validated in the fact that I don’t. I simply don’t. Still, because of my fluidity, I find it hard to declare that I absolutely, 100% know for certain that I don’t want children.
Growing up, I was enamored with older couples who didn’t have kids. It fascinated and delighted me. They always seemed to be having so much fun and were so in love with each other. They gave out full-size candy bars for Halloween and painted their stucco house pink. Life seemed like such an adventure for them, I wanted THAT.
Somehow, I’ve found a partner who feels exactly the same way I do. I’m so grateful for that. I haven’t had to compromise my inclination towards a child-free life or question if something is wrong with me. Fully aware that feelings can change as the years go on, I do worry that I’ll wake up one day dying for a baby with him and it’ll be too late. But, in my gut, that fear doesn’t feel authentic and so I don’t give it much attention.
A life spent as the coolest auntie to my favorite babies and my precious nephew is what sounds most glamorous and enticing to me. I feel very grateful to age without the pressure of running out of time and to have a family who’ve never made me feel guilty. I am so lucky to have a boyfriend who’s on the same page as me. Mostly, I feel peace in knowing that whatever is going to happen is going to happen whether I put too much thought into it or not.
Thanks for letting me be vulnerable.
Here’s the list:
READING
Here are some of those articles on motherhood I was talking about:
How to NOT Have Children This article by Farrah Storr of the Substack, Things Worth Knowing, was wonderful. Completely respectful of women who’ve chosen to become mothers while also very clearly explaining what it feels like to choose the opposite. Excellent comment section.
“My son is turning one. A letter to who I was 12 months ago.” This gorgeous post from the Substack, Writing About Women, is so poignant and moving. I shared it with my sister-in-law who gave birth two months ago and she loved it too. Please read it.
The Kid-Divide among friends. This is a podcast discussion from Maybe, Baby about what happens to friendships when babies enter the picture. I’ve never struggled with my friends having children, it delights me, this conversation explores everything from jealousy to resentment to joy. Very interesting.
WATCHING
Better Call Saul. I gave up on Breaking Bad after 3 seasons because I simply could not handle the stress alone. Watching this show has been so much fun. The characters are so layered and wild and weird and I may actually be ready to revisit Breaking Bad after we finish.
LISTENING
Have you ever heard of Human Design? It’s basically astrology times a thousand. I got really intrigued with it back in 2018 and then again in 2020 and now I find myself down yet another rabbit hole of wonder. I’ve been listening to this podcast by Jenna Zoe. It’ll either speak to you or make you roll your eyes at the new agey-ness of it. I’m having a great time.
It’s December now. How very cliché to marvel at how fast time flies but god does time fly. I’m very excited to host my sweet, sassy friend, Courtney, this weekend. A chance to actually sit down at the restaurant where I work and eat a meal and to visit the Georgia Aquarium to see the otters. Literally counting down the minutes to her arrival.
Have a wonderful week full of soul-filling fun. As always, thank you for being here with me.
xoxo.
Please know that was not at all the truth. My mom is and always has been the absolute most wonderful mother. She has never said anything but how much she loves and always wanted to become a mother. I was just a 15 year-old hormonal asshole.
Proud of you always but especially today for writing and sharing such vulnerable thoughts on such a delicate subject! And while kids still may or may not be in your future, one this is for certain and that’s that you are gonna be the coolest auntie to ever exist 😊 love you SIL!
🥰