Wellness Monster.
A well is also a pit. *Chapter 58*
I’ve spent the past two days reading about the benefits of cabbage juice. Our house smells like a combination of the garden section of Home Depot and farts. For the past year, I have been experiencing a burning sensation in the left side of my middle-ish abdomen. Finally, I’m in the process of getting to the bottom of it. Friday morning, I tested for H. Pylori (a bacteria that can cause stomach ulcers, still awaiting results) and tomorrow I have an abdominal ultrasound. In the meantime, I’ve googled everything, even reaching out to ChatGPT for the first time, “why is my stomach burning?”
We all know the endless free fall of an online rabbit hole. It’s a stomach ulcer or GERD or pancreatitis or ulcerative colitis or stress. I suppose I could just wait for test results but who, with access to the Internet, has the patience for that? Over the summer, I had two bouts of intense stomach burning that I’ve pegged as some sort of perimenopause symptom, the flare ups always accompany my PMS, which, post 40, is the worst it has EVER been. It’s like my maturing hormones have my whole body going to war for my ovaries, “WE’RE NOT LETTIN’ EM DIE WITHOUT A FIGHT!”
Too many women in my life have tummy issues. At least three times a week someone sends me this meme…
I asked my mother a few days ago, “does anyone actually know what it’s like to feel good?” Recently, I reposted my essay about health anxiety, how I will always find something going on with my body to obsess and worry about. An eye twitch, a mole, my stomach, my period, my vision (which I have also correlated with becoming blurry around my cycle…perimenopause?). What I’ve pondered this week is how to find the balance between obsessing over vs having healthy concern of one’s well-being. How do you take care of yourself without freaking the fuck out?
Most of the podcasts I listen to deal with wellness and spirituality. While I absolutely love information, at a certain point, the list of possibilities for things that could be wrong with me and how to treat them, becomes overwhelming. Not to mention the amount of contradiction based on who you’re listening to, it’s often left me wondering what to believe, who to trust. As far as healing goes, I fall somewhere in the middle of appreciation for Western medicine and reverence for the wisdom of ancient and traditional remedies. I believe food can heal. I also believe it can be hard to access actual good food. I believe people are overprescribed. I also know medicine can save lives.
Obviously, I’m not a doctor but I am the one living in my body so shouldn’t I have some sort of innate sense of what’s going on with me? If something were actually wrong, wouldn’t I just know? Dogs eat grass when they want to barf and get worried hours before a thunder storm arrives. There has to be some sort of natural perception we possess simply by existing…right? But then there is also Google. When I think I’ve found my peace, the search bar beckons, “just take a look…” and that’s when the well becomes a pit. The bottom of my calm womb falls out and I’m cascading down the wormhole of possible ailments.
But we also don’t want to ignore our symptoms. Why DO our tummies hurt all the time? How can we just accept weird poops and cramps and bloating as normal? What even IS normal? Sometimes I really do wonder if a little tummy burning everyday is just how it is. But I refuse to accept it. Which is why my house smells like one giant fart. Cabbage juice is apparently the ultimate gut healer. I’ve read upwards of 500 comments confirming this fact.
I don’t have any concrete conclusions here. Finding balance for my health concerns is the new always worrying I’m too fat. I believe in early detection and getting things checked that actually worry you. But I also don’t know exactly how to determine what ACTUALLY worries me. My health is what I am most grateful for because I know how nearly impossible it is to do anything without it and I’ll never take that for granted. It’s what adds to my stress of wanting to stay well which in itself is a contradiction. In the end, I suppose all we can do is our best. Make good choices that serve our highest good. Take care of ourselves and, of course, of each other. Finally go get that thing checked, especially if it’s been bothering you for awhile. And also, take some deeps breaths, probably some walks and definitely relax a little. After all, a well is better than a pit and cabbage juice actually just tastes like cabbage.
READING
I received my first issue of The Retreat by Carley which is a monthly print newspaper. It’s lovely, I laid in bed reading it and felt chic and sophisticated, two of my favorite ways to feel.
WATCHING
Slow Horses is back for Season 4 on Apple TV and I’m loving it as much as all the previous seasons, which is a lot!
LISTENING
Did you catch my latest podcast episode with the most wonderful painter in the world? Artist of all the beautiful artwork that accompanies every one of these posts? My mom, Bonnie Lynn Felton! Listen here!!
We celebrated my nephew’s first birthday this weekend and he LOVED it! I’ve never seen a baby light up being sung Happy Birthday, he was truly delighted. All smiles and claps, it’s blown my heart into a million happy pieces. I love you so much, Quinn.
I also started training at my new job which was a total trip. I haven’t started something new like this in SUCH a long time and while I feel completely overwhelmed, I cannot wait to feel comfortable, confident and in the groove because I’m going to absolutely love it.
We leave for New York City in a week and I’m so excited I can barely stand it. My whole life has felt akin to that feeling right before a vacation, you know you’re going but you won’t actually believe it until you’re on the plane? Like that.
I am sending you all my love and hopes for some actual crisp, cool weather. It’s officially Fall!!!
Talk to you soon.
I relate to this post on many levels. In the physical form, gut issues are part and parcel to every day living for me. On a metaphysical level, there are so many ways to view the body that I could write my own post. Please let us know how the cabbage juice is. I didn't realize a cabbage held juice!
Your question about anyone actually knowing what it feels like to feel good makes me think of this book I read back in grad school called The Absent Body by Drew Leder. His main theory is this idea of the "dis-appearance" of the body, meaning that most of the time, we don't even know what our body is or feels like. It only "appears"--that is, we only perceive it--when it is disfunctioning. This idea is certainly resonating more and more with me as I get older and basically can't even sit down or stand up without grunting.