I got the “ehhhhs” out of nowhere after a few solid weeks of the “Yay!” It happens, the necessary roller coaster of opposition we need in order to understand that in times of “ehhh” the “Yay!” will return. Last week I wrote a few posts, both in my head and in drafts here and felt uninspired to let any of you read them. Surprisingly, I have not felt my usual guilt about inconsistency. By now I know well enough that we all have busy lives and that no one is sitting around wondering why I haven’t sent a newsletter in a few weeks. “Nobody’s lookin’ at you,” as my mother used to say. Also, I’m living with lower stakes, a more relaxed outlook on life that could possibly be a contributing factor to my “ehhhhs.” It’s the feeling when you’ve been sitting around staring at your tiny screen for too long knowing you should probably get up and go do some laundry before one of your neighbors swoops in and takes up all the machines. Or when you were on a roll with cooking and baking and now your starter has a grey layer floating atop it and you feel like you just don’t have enough counter space to cut up the amount of onions you need to make that shallot pasta. OR when you know you’d benefit from a little exercise but do you realllllly wanna spend $60 a month to go back to the gym, why don’t you just do a workout here in the living room but then WHOOPS it’s 3pm and you have to leave for work. Those are my “ehhhhhs” right now. Nothing is wrong. I have nothing about which to complain. I’m happy, I’m grateful, I have so many things in my life that I’ve always dreamt of and yet, I’m just like, “ehhhh”. How absolutely silly. But also, how necessary?
This morning I asked Alan where he thinks we will be in a year. He anticlimactically said, “I don’t know,” and I stared at the ceiling and thought, even in my “ehhh-ness”, optimistically that I feel like we are going to be very busy. So maybe in this chapter, where we have our mornings completely open and the ability to live a low stakes existence, it’s time to cultivate a full acceptance of the “ehhhs.” When that sort of bored, unmotivated malaise cloud rolls in and you feel like you don’t really have any idea what you want or where you’re going or more importantly what you’re SUPPOSED to be doing, maybe it’s helpful to lean into it. To enjoy it? Realize that the next loop of the roller coaster will most likely be the opposite of a leisurely loose morning and that, while very exciting, it will also raise the stakes and the pressure and lessen the time to just enjoy a movie before noon on a Wednesday.
I cleaned out our ceiling vent the other day because I looked at it and noticed it was caked with dust. Huge chunks fell from it as I, covered in a scarf and with sunglasses on to protect my eyes and throat, screamed and screamed in horror and disgust. How nice though that I had the time for that. To repot my monstera when I feel like it and do laundry and grocery shop whenever I want. I can organize my kitchen and restart my sourdough program. I can exercise. Mostly, I see now that I am writing this newsletter today for myself and for anyone else who needs to hear that you and I are exactly where we need to be right now because honestly, how could you ever be anywhere other than exactly where you are (arguably I suppose you can be in a few different places when you’re on drugs or meditating but that’s not my point.) There are so many things I want and dream about even in the midst of living a pretty dreamy life. I suppose that realizing everything is okay and slowing down and breathing and appreciating where you are on the ride is a lesson you have to keep learning over and over and over. Malaise cloud or not, the sun keeps on shining.
So, Happy Spring to everyone! Clean your vents if you feel like it. Do your taxes if you haven’t. Sit on the couch and stare at your phone. Regardless, I hope you’re enjoying your ride or, at the very least, accepting where you are at the moment, there’s always another loop to come. Much love.