The Point is, There is No Point

Freedom in creating just for the sake of it. *Chapter 92*

Lately, for reasons I’m not so sure of or possibly because I simply don’t feel like getting to the bottom of why, I’ve been putting off writing my Monday essays until Monday. I work best when I don’t overanalyze, give myself too much time and then torture my confidence with questions like, “is this good enough?” or “what’s the point of this?” But posting moments after I finish writing feels a little like driving a car with loose brakes, jamming my foot to the floor and hoping to stop before hitting a wall (this actually happened to me once…).

Picking Berries, by Bonnie Lynn Felton, lynnfelton.com

A part of me always comforts, “you have hundreds of old essays, just post one of those,” and yet, here I sit, tip-tapping to you from my new laptop that I’m completely enamored by… battery power for a thousand years and a soft cushiony keyboard… y’all… **sigh**.

There are various spots in our tiny one-bedroom apartment from which I write. I am either half or fully nude in bed, sometimes opening my eyeballs, immediately grabbing my computer from under the nightstand and beginning a piece. Or, on the sofa, where I perch my computer atop a pillow and attempt good posture while slowly sinking into our ever-sliding off the couch cushions. Today, I’m at our wobbly living room ‘desk’ that served as my parents’ first kitchen table and now serves us the same.

I’m staring at Lisa, the squirrel who lives on our porch. She’s enjoying the seeds that the very messy birds have scattered all over the place. It’s remarkable what slobs these birds are, flinging food everywhere, screaming at each other, refusing to bathe in the birdbath I keep filled for them. Our porch is utter chaos and Lisa loves it.

Usually, some glimmer of inspiration floats or crashes into my brain during the week and I spend my days, often while driving or showering, crafting sentences in my mind. Waiting until the very last moment to get these words out onto a screen is generally fine as my mental draft exists, fingers needing only to transcribe it.

But not this week.

I had all of Saturday and most of yesterday to myself. I waited and waited and thought and thought and NOTHIN. No spark, no hint, no whisper, just ummmmmmmm, hmmmmmm. This scenario would probably warrant the repost of an older essay, “sorry guys, I got nothin’, here’s an essay I wrote about my dog,” but I gotta tell ya, whether they’re about anything or not, I freaking love writing these.

The second to last week of May and it’s rained everyday. Big booming thunderstorms that blow in quickly and out with the same force. We planted a hydrangea on Lisa’s very poorly lit porch and I worry for her chance of survival. I’m happy to report that she’s growing, reaching for the sun that teases her every afternoon, she may actually be just fine. And if not, she’ll find a new home in my parents’ backyard.

Alan and I woke up an hour earlier everyday last week to take a short walk together before beginning our days. No phones, no chit chat, just rolling out of bed, into our shoes and out the door. It’s incredibly disorienting to suddenly be outside while still sleep blinking your eyes open and also completely invigorating. Not to mention, having a small walk, coffee and then my workout done by 9am is pretty thrilling. Evidence, when I acknowledge it, that I may actually be living this life I’ve been dreaming about for awhile.

If you’re keeping up with My Favorite Jeans, my monthly video series documenting my fitness journey this year, you’ll know I spent April pretty frustrated with my progress. Update, nothing has changed on the scale. Regardless, I’m feeling great. After I posted, a mindset lightbulb switched on and I thought, “why don’t I just start living like I’m already exactly where I want to be?” It’s manifestation 101 and proof that you can hear something a million times and not understand it until you do.

I’ve been meticulous with thought monitoring. If I’m already exactly where I want to be, how possibly can I be worried about how much I weigh? How possibly can I feel anxiety about booking another event? How possibly can I question if things are going to be okay? Delusion becomes reality. It’s awesome.

It’s wild to be 92 Chapters into this weekly essay project and I often wonder ‘the point’ of it. What began as an attempt to prove I could be consistent has blossomed into a practice that yields great satisfaction and I suppose that is exactly the point. Motive doesn’t have to be anything grander than creation and creation is the grandest thing of all!

So, before I think too much into why I keep waiting until the last minute to write to you, I’ll wrap this up and hit publish.

Lisa says hi.

WATCHING

In a completely “what” move but also upon suggestion from my bestie, Megan, I have spent the week rewatching The Da Vinci Code, Angels and Demons and now, Inferno on Hulu. Literally, what? But also, like…so fun.

DOING

The early morning walk. It’s like jumping into a pool. Or, I guess, dunking your face into a bowl of ice water like I see so many girls do on IG. Great way to get the day started.

READING

Okay so I’m still on ACOTAR and reading as slowly as anyone in the entire world ever has but still, I’m having a good time. But also, like, when does the raunchiness start because I’m feeling a little misled guys.

I hope this week has been good to you all. We have a bonkers end to May and start to June. I’m working several events and will be traveling to Charleston for one of them. This makes me feel very chic and excited.

I’ve also begun offering Tier 1 and 2 Human Design Readings. You can find the details on my IG and website. Very thrilling and a little nerve wracking to start something new but it’s a system I absolutely love and feel so excited to share with folks who are interested.

I am, as always, sending you love and gratitude and, this week, encouragement to be exactly who you are and to create something just for the hell of it. Thanks for being here. Talk to you soon.