My half-birthday was on Tuesday. Now, I don’t want you getting the wrong idea, I was not a child who grew up celebrating my half-birthday. My brother’s birthday is the day before my half so this week has always been way more about him than me. I actually only became fully aware of the exact date of my half-birthday when I realized one of my good friends was born exactly 6 months before me. On my half-birthday. I cannot keep using the phrase half-birthday so let’s move onto why I am bringing this up at all.
Aging has never bothered me. Having a soul that is equal parts 100 year old woman and 7 year old girl, I have always delighted each year in becoming more of myself and also in a chance to celebrate and eat cake. This year, however, is my 40th. I remember feeling that turning 35 was very significant and 35 still sounds so grown up to me. Now, 40?
I was 12 when my mom turned 40 and I remember going to her surprise birthday party. There were “over the hill” signs in the yard and a cake topper that was a hunched over old lady with a walker. My version of 40 is sitting in a one-bedroom apartment, wearing a skirt from Goodwill I altered with safety pins, about to go to my job that requires my attention for only the six hours I am there and finally able to say I have a little tiny bit of savings. When it comes to living up to industry standards of what being an adult looks like, am I doing it right? And, like I said, getting older really has never bothered me…until now I guess. It’s the first year where I’ve felt really fully aware that time does not go backwards. It’s a strange dichotomy of finally feeling really comfortable in my own skin but also cognizant of the fact that my skin is no longer as tight and smooth as it once was and that it will never be that way again. It’s thinking about babies SO MUCH MORE than I ever have before and wondering how in the hell anyone ever knows if they really do or don’t want one for sure. It’s being worried about health stuff I have never spent a second worrying about in the past. I wasted much of Friday terrified my hangover anxiety was a brain tumor and that the happiness I feel now is fleeting because I just keep getting older and so does everyone else.
I consider myself to be very lucky in the sense that I’m a naturally optimistic person. I always have hope and I always like to have fun and because of that, my older age has made me aware of how scared I get of anything that feels like a threat to that. Lately, hangovers have been causing me panic attacks and, as someone who truly does love wine and getting drunk, this has really induced some self reflection. Do I quit drinking? Do I cut back? Or maybe, do I just accept that drinking 9 drinks in one night is probably not the best idea for anyone regardless of one’s age? Probably the latter.
I rejoined the gym this week. The aforementioned panic attacks were starting to bother me and I realized I hadn’t actually exercised in six months. Luckily, I walk around 20,000 steps at work five times a week but getting that sweat and energy out in a concentrated 45 minutes has already proven to me how essential exercise is to overall well-being. And also, I’m about to be 40 and I want to look 35 when I’m 50 so I better start preparing for that now. When I sat down to write this, I didn’t really have an idea of what exactly I wanted to say. What I really wanted was to get these ideas in my head out and onto this screen, share them with you and see how you relate. And also because I would like to look back at this at some point in my 50s (if the internet still exists) and see then how I feel about it.
I really loved this article from The Atlantic about how old you are vs how old you feel. Spoiler alert: hardly anyone actually feels their age. I’ve always wanted to be an adult and now that I technically am, I suppose I feel younger in spirit. Like my soul has finally caught up to my age. Anyway, leave a comment and tell me your thoughts if you have any on this topic. I suppose I am happy to be halfway to my 40th year regardless of the unexpected anxieties it’s inspired. At this point, I feel like I finally have the permission to do bigger things that require more of me and I’m confident the next decade will see much of that unfold but, for the meantime, I hope that you are doing well and aging gracefully. I hope you are eating delicious meals and taking some walks. As always, be gentle and have a wonderful weekend.
Cheers.
Well, you are a wonderful writer. And insightful. And as an older person, I cannot remember what the heck I was going to say, about aging. But I could completely relate, and just want to say, as your Mom, to you and all your audience...It is all ok. Every stage of life, gets you closer to yourself
. Love your thoughts!
As most of the people around me continue to get younger and younger, I take solace in recognizing that I have my shit together WAY more than I did when I was their age. I may still be a mess but I'm at least a smaller pile of it. Nice Writing BTW