The Eras Tour

(Brittany's Version.) *Chapter 47*

Our air conditioner is broken. Two nights ago, I got home from an outdoor excursion (see: walking from my car to the front door) that felt like meandering through hot slime, stood in the kitchen, basked in the fake, chilly breeze and said to myself, “I am so thankful to have AC.”

Cut to last night.

Odalisque, by Bonnie Lynn Felton, lynnfelton.com

Imagine me entering the apartment. Breathing in…thick air…it’s stuffy in here?

I knew…

…looking at the thermostat dial…it’s set to 72°…

why…is…it…80…degrees…?

oh.

no.

And yet, I slept better last night than I have in months. Not one stitch of clothing or cover, no fear of the monsters that may grab my exposed toes. I was cozy. It was a relief.

The last few weeks, I’ve felt like my air conditioner. Overworked, manufactured, chilly and finally…beat. I woke up at 5am on Wednesday morning with a splitting headache and an hour later with intense waves of nausea. I blame dehydration and a body that finally said, can you just go the fuck to sleep for 20 hours?

DeeJay’s was a complete success. A total blast. Delicious food, immaculate vibes. Our mission strengthens with every event. Bring folks together, highlight our farmers, have a great time. Total cup runneth over shit. Getting sick two days later forced me to face a fact. My malaise of late exists of my own doing. With tenderness for myself, I really have to get the fuck over me.

Last Tuesday, the day after DeeJay’s and a few hours before my body shut down, I sat and blocked out my calendar and then proceeded not to look at it again. There’s a residue from pushing too hard that’s been creeping up into my chest this week. When I think of a To Do list, I want to barf. Post an “out of order” sign on my forehead. Can I just sit in presence for awhile?

I’ve been hiking the switchbacks to a new life without acknowledging the exertion of an uphill climb. I write now, a lot and often. I record a monthly podcast and cooking show. I run a pop-up restaurant with my best friends and also work my other job. It’s time for the trail to flatten out a bit so I can take in the scenery from up here. Appreciate growth and expansion. Part of my discomfort has come from treating myself as an older version. I’ve felt like something is wrong or missing only because I’m not used to who I am now. Old habits creep in to fill new space. Whining, complaining, worrying about my health, drinking and eating things that make me feel like shit.

This realization has only arrived in the days since my 20 hour nap. I’ve been preparing myself refreshing food. Tomatoes and sourdough, melon and cucumber and I used to hate cucumber. I’ve been meditating for 25 minutes in the morning, a habit I developed years ago that’s been begging me to remember its importance to my wellbeing. I’ve cut back to one coffee a day and chilled on the booze. Taking deep breaths and asking, is this what I want to be doing? It’s felt kind of out-of-body because it kind of is. I’m getting to know someone new. There’s a weird tingling anxiety and also a deep knowing that so many dreams are about to come to fruition.

Brittany Version 5.0 booked herself a massage today. No AC. No problem. Do we really need to use a broken air conditioner as validation for whining? Absolutely not. We’re moving on. We’re sinking in.

At night, I usually keep the house at 68°… I sleep with my hands curled into claws, clutched up into the crook of my neck, my knees squeezed together for warmth, my jaw tensed and grinding. “It’s better to be cold when you sleep,” I say. And yet, at 80° I slept sprawled, relaxed and comfortable. No need to protect myself or work too hard. I woke up this morning and my body didn’t ache as much as usual after four serving shifts in heavy clogs. New day. New week. The AC is being repaired and once she is, I’m not going to ask as much of her. Let’s warm up a bit. What a relief for both of us.

READING

This is kind of a read/watch. I’ve followed Nneka Julia since I became obsessed with her podcast Passing Through. She posted her latest short film, a new commitment to a procrastinated-on-project, to her Substack called Letters from a Stranger and you should definitely check it out. What an inspiration she is.

WATCHING

We watched the entire Matrix trilogy this week but in reverse and I gotta tell you, the first one is the only one that matters.

LISTENING

Chill Instrumental Mix…

A later post today as I’ve been writing this in real time from an air conditioned coffee shop. Excited to go get my lymphatic drainage massage with the remainder of my Christmas gift card Alan gave me. Really ready to slough off more of this old crap energy and lightly move into new life.

Hoping you all are feeling renewed or on the path to it. As always, I am sending you my love!

xoxo.