Shhhh, Shhhh...
It's oh so quiet. *Chapter 42*
That feeling when you really have to pee but you just keep holding it to get one more thing done. Finish the dishes. Read one more paragraph. That’s how I feel when I’m scrolling Instagram. Antsy, uncomfortable and very aware that there’s something else I should and want to be doing. When finally I do tear my exhausted eyes away from reels I don’t even actually care to watch, I search desperately for a podcast to fill the silence. This week I fell asleep with my phone and woke up reaching for it. If it had been a cigarette, I would have lit the bed on fire.
To be fair, I was sad. One of my parents’ oldest and dearest friends passed away and we traveled to St. Simon’s Island to remember her and support her sweet family. So many folks I hadn’t seen in too many years. That squirrelly feeling, “you were this big last time I saw you,” no idea how to respond, the anxiety of only kind of recalling someone who knows you very well. Wild to experience at 40, immediately I transformed into an insecure teenager, “haha, yeah.” Nostalgic hugs from people who helped raise me, other “kids” I grew up with, now entering our fourth decades of life. The dichotomy of devastation and hope that comes with death, so dark and sad one moment, the next a new day, sun always rising even if it seems like it shouldn’t. Life continues to cycle. In 10 years, I’ll say to kids I met this weekend, “you were this big when I saw you last,” and they’ll long to hide behind their mother’s arm, too old to feel so shy.
On the six hour drive home, I rode in the backseat, neurotic terrier in my lap, mother napping in the front and father driving. When we’d go on family beach trips, I’d listen to cds on my Discman, headphones on the whole way. Ace of Base, Alanis Morissette, Tori Amos. I’d stare out the window and think. Usually about riding horses but often about the next school year ahead. Would I make friends? Would I finally get a boyfriend? Would anyone think I was pretty? Would I go to a party?
This ride, my headphones were crackling and I couldn’t find anything I wanted to listen to so I sat in silence. I looked out the window at rolling Georgia pastures and thought about what it would be like to gallop through them on horseback, jumping hay bales and fences. It’d been awhile since I let my mind wander for a long stretch of time like that, no assaulting, worthless noise. Reflecting on how many answers I’ve collected over the years. This is what my boyfriend looks like. No, I’m not famous. Yes, there are many parties to go to. I have so many friends.
When I got home my brain was tv static, buzzing and numb. My emotional floodgates had yet to give way. Levees constructed from my desire to just keep it together that I hadn’t realized I’d built. Was I hungry? Tired? Forty years old and still needing an adult to tell me what to do. Aren’t we always deep down just five year olds wanting to hide behind our moms? I scrolled Instagram. It made me feel worse. I tried to find a podcast. Nothing. And so I sat and stared at the wall and took some deep breaths and then I ordered a pizza and cried.
I’m making a conscious effort to come back to myself. Allow for some silence, a chance to stretch my mind so it can become more flexible. For five years, I meditated nearly every morning but lately that hasn’t felt right. I just haven’t wanted to. Maybe I’m too overstimulated and need to force myself back into the habit. I’ve been longing to take long walks. I’ve been longing for a break, to sink into satiety, stop force feeding my brain crap it doesn’t want. Fill my time with things that are real, that I can hold and touch and taste and DO. Cycle out of this addiction to mindlessness and back into action. Get up and go pee the second I need to because holding it can give you kidney stones. At least that’s what my mom told me when I was only this big.
READING
This entry from Words of Eliza. Stunning, raw articulation of feeling and emotion and memory. Really remarkable, deserves several rereads.
WATCHING
Hacks on HBO. I’m halfway through the 3rd season, this show is so freaking great. Jean Smart is a total babe and icon.
LISTENING
Heavyweight. This is an older podcast my brother and I started listening to on the way down to St. Simons. It’s heartfelt and feel-good, an easy listen.
On Friday, another cooking video will premiere. Will there be a guest chef? Only time will tell. We’re in the middle of a water crisis here in Atlanta with two water main breaks forcing many of our favorite restaurants to have to close and leaving thousands without running water. Hoping for a swift solution although it’s already been 3 days. It’s a mess that really pulls focus on how much we take for granted. I’m sending love to our community.
Hope your start to June has you feeling inspired. Even after a sad week I’m feeling hopeful and optimistic as always. Homemade sauerkraut, a blueberry shrub and kefir berries adorn my week’s agenda. I’m excited to fill you in next Monday on how a quieter week feels. Til then.
xoxo.
P.S. Bjork’s It’s Oh So Quiet is one of my all time favorite songs AND my party trick karaoke go-to that works nearly every time to delight and awe a crowd. Also, usually gets me a free tequila shot…k byeeee.
I’m continuously amazed at how Bonnie has a painting already painted for every single one of your articles. It’s magical.
Perfect. Thank You, Boo...