Return of the Light
The days are getting shorter and still it's feeling brighter. *Chapter 53*
You know when you have a sore throat and all you can think about is NOT having a sore throat? And about how happy you will feel when you’re better? And about how grateful you will be forevermore for your health? And then you heal, are reborn for a week and settle back into life as usual?
I’m currently in a rebirth.
I started meditating again about two months ago. A morning ritual I don’t take too seriously. If I miss a morning, I might do an afternoon session or skip it all together. Overcoming the sensation of full-body cringe, I have also added affirmations to my day to day. When I run out of podcasts or feel too assaulted by too much information, I leave affiramations running in the background. I am grateful. I am abundant. I am calm. I don’t know y’all but I think this shit works. In a new ritual of sending voice notes back and forth (what we call “mini podcasts”), my sister-in-law and I have agreed it’s a way to re-train the subconscious as most of the time I’m not even actually listening to what’s being repeated.
You can’t see the forest through the trees has never resonated more. I did not know I was traipsing through the woods until I reached this lovely clearing a few weeks ago and looked back. It was dark in there. Thorny and haunted. I knew I wasn’t feeling my best, spent a lot of time laying down and even more time whining but I did not appreciate the scope of my down-ness. Upon reflection, I was lost, between two lives, the bridge between old and new selves. Having hit a rock bottom before and living in a world full of suffering, my pain and confusion didn’t feel that bad. It’s been worse. It could be worse. Mostly, I was fine.
I screenshot this post from Behida Dolić’s stories the other day. If you don’t follow her, I implore you. Her story of hope in absolute darkness will blow your mind. She’s a beautiful writer and artisan and human being. Quite literally tears in my eyes thinking about her stunning life and I do not even know her past following her on Instagram. I’ve been thinking about this quote all week.
Navigating several forests throughout the years, I have somehow, along the way, learned that demanding answers for why is futile. Sense can only be made with time and distance and reflection.
Even stuck in the quicksand of transition, I was able to remind myself that eventually, I would feel better, happy, zestful and hopeful again. Having cycled through ups and downs, I finally and very clearly understand the importance of contrast. The dark makes the light even brighter. I leaned into the low. Got a little sick and was forced to rest. Craved only light foods and had no desire to drink for a few weeks. I learned to listen to my body with a sensitivity I haven’t known until now.
The past few weeks have seen me through some exponential, magical growth. I’ve cut back my shifts at the restaurant and picked up a position working for a woman who is an incredible mentor and boss. An opportunity tying so many loose ends together it’s a real life demonstration of how the answers come later and unexpectedly. It’s a story I’ll have to save for a Sweet Tea Talk. I’ve expanded my paid subscriptions and made connections with readers in such heartwarming ways, exchanging notes of gratitude and getting to know each other a little better. It’s a dream come true.
I feel full and happy and excited and zestful and hopeful. As the seasons change, I feel supercharged to continue changing myself. At the beginning of a new year here together, I’m reflecting on how quickly the last one flew by and committing to “living the questions” as this journey continues. To remember gratitude always, even during the lows, one thing is always leading to the next whether we are conscious of it or not. I’m thankful NOT to have a sore throat.
DOING
I’m on a new fitness journey with weight lifting. Nothing serious, I can barely lift a barbell but it feels so good to do something with tangible results. A month in and I can already feel so much progress. Can’t really see any results yet but we are where we are.
WATCHING
Everyone…I am rewatching vintage Gossip Girl. xoxo, I love it.
LISTENING
Chappell Roan…when I tell you I discovered her 4 days ago…like…what is wrong with me? Where have I been? Pink Pony Club is in my head every single hour of the day and I am fine with it.
Last week was chocked full. My first one with this new schedule (more on the new job later as it progresses) and I see now that I am going to have to get a little wiser when it comes to scheduling. With a farm tour, our first DeeJay’s cooking class, filming a cooking video/podcast crossover the next day AND work on new projects, I was a little overwhelmed. In a good way.
We booked a trip to NYC for my birthday in October and I’ve spent some time browsing hotels. We are lucky enough to be able to stay at our friends’ place in the West Villagea while they are out of town but need to fill one night. I’m thinking going hard at a chic hotel is the way to go. Any suggestions?
Can you believe it is almost September?? I know I’m a broken record but boy does the time fly. I hope you are well and taking care of yourselves and all you love as best you can. I am grateful for you always. Have a great week!
Ace Hotel??? The Carlyle??
Your vitality inspires me, daughter!