No Further Questions

What I'm letting go of at the start of this new season. *Chapter 85*

The summer between my junior and senior years of college, I smoked too much weed one afternoon, shot up and out of my body and forgot how to speak English. It was very scary and left me shattered for at least eight months after. My first existential crisis. I was spinning away, lost in a pit of despair. Scared of time, where the past went, where the future existed and completely trapped in a present moment of terror.

It was a nightmare.

But eventually, I recovered. I distinctly remember the desire to go out, get drunk and dance with my friends. In the darkness, it felt like I may never be myself again, that I would never again have fun, but some glimmer of light remained and slowly but surely I made my way back to it.

I heard Stephen Colbert describe grief as something that deepened his humanness. Gave him empathy and compassion where it didn’t exist before. Stretched his boundaries and left him with more space for love and understanding. To a degree, my bad trip did this for me. I’ve never been the same. I was flooded with too much for my naive, mushy brain to process. Too much let in all at once. But. That’s life. It expanded me to places that scared the breath out of me and it made my world bigger.

For many, many years after, I wouldn’t allow myself back into the forest of big questions. What’s it all for? Who are we? Why are we here? Where are we? Who’s in charge? How big is the Universe? What’s outside of it? Am I a computer? My foundation was too fragile having recently experienced the earthquake that destroyed the cornerstones it was built upon.

As far as the bigger, existential questions, I finally reached a place of resolve. I will never have the answers. My human brain is too breakable and limited to be able to grasp the scope of its potential and of time, dimensions and what it all means. I gave up the desperation to understand and surrendered to the fact that I wouldn’t and couldn’t and that worked for me. The tenderness of fear began to fade and I’m now more than able and ready to walk amongst the trees in that once scary forest. I don’t need anything from them anymore and so I am safe to exist in the mystery. What a relief.

The Happy Hour, by Bonnie Lynn Felton, lynnfelton.com

Having given up on the big questions, I spent my late 20s and up until about three days ago with the smaller, more self-involved ones. What am I going to do? When will my dreams come true? When will I fall in love? When will I not worry about money? When will I have the career of my dreams? When will my jeans fit? How will it all happen?

I left waiting tables six months ago after reaching the point where hearing my own thoughts, let alone listening to myself complain aloud about how sick of it I was made me ill. It had become embarrassing and felt appallingly juvenile. Since then, I’ve experienced rapid growth, expanding my work to freelance events and scoring a scholarship to study Human Design. An opportunity that will provide me the ability to form my own business doing readings for clients.

Last week, I irritatedly drove into my job at the Pilates studio where I work the front desk. A perfectly fine, very sweet position that fills out my income and allows me to pay my bills in this transition period. I wondered with frustration when I would be able to claim complete self-employment. When all my time would be dictated by me, the boss. As I yielded to a turn in one of the 5,000 roundabouts that have recently been added to the city of Atlanta, it struck me like a brick to the side of the head, “it’s all coming together you impatient twat. Calm down.”

I started laughing to the point where I nearly drove into the car I was yielding to. It was suddenly so clear, my impatience and frustration aren’t even real, they’re practiced. All my questions and concerns simply habitual. I don’t WANT to be upset so why am I pretending that I am. Like a toddler screaming their head off, next second calm and fascinated by an empty cardboard box. Holy shit, is it this simple?

Can I surrender even more to letting it all unfold? Give up the last of my control? Respect that attempting to force timing is futile and that things always seem to work out and in ways I could never have expected anyway.

At the beginning of this Aries season, Spring (for us in the Northern Hemisphere), an astrological new year and a fresh start, I’m leaving behind the questions. Having the answers would be so boring anyway. I want to spend my moments present without so much fear. Have more faith in myself, my community, the people I love and have yet to meet and also in Goodness.

I’m grateful to walk through the forest with a lighter load, leaving room for delightful surprises. As all the leaves return, I’m reminded that life unfolds beautifully with or without my questions about how and why. I’m happier than ever to accept and revel in the mystery. Forming new habits and dancing with life since, even through the nightmare of an existential crisis, I did eventually return to the light. Nature always does.

READING

If you love astrology as much as I do

OTHERWORLDLY

is an incredible Substack for keeping up with the transits. So well written and straightforward and one of my favorite reads.

I’ve also borrowed

Alicia Renee Beck

‘s copies of ACOTAR and have read one page. Am I going to love this?

MAKING

Alison Roman Pasta. My version of this recipe is in my cookbook so upgrade to paid if you’d like access to it.

DOING

I am officially on Week 12 of Heather Robertson’s 2.0 Program on YouTube. (More on this below). How does time fly??? If you workout at home and hate figuring out what to do, I cannot recommend this more.

Big news! My favorite jeans fit again!!!!! After three months of consistent discipline with workouts and walks, seeing basically no results until last week, I am thrilled and yeah, I feel great.

That being said, the March edition of My Favorite Jeans premieres this Friday!

I hope you’ve been able to shed what no longer serves you and head into this new season lighter and refreshed. In the crazy and quite frankly, fucked up world we’re living in, taking the very best care of yourself, the people you love and your community matters now more than ever.

I’m sending you all my love. Talk to you soon.