My Own Best Friend

How a Cobb Salad changed my life. *Chapter 78*

One of the most pivotal moments in my life came when I dropped a Cobb Salad into my shag carpet rug and realized I had the choice to get upset or to not. This dawning shed light on one of the many sources of anxiety that plagued my 20s, that I didn’t HAVE to completely freak out about any inconvenience was a revelation. I vividly remember sitting down, staring at the scattered Romaine, bacon, bleu cheese, egg AND avocado and thinking, “you could laugh at this if you want.” And so I did, cleaned it up and ate something else.

At 28 years old, this day was a major turning point for me. A switch flipped in my brain and suddenly, I had so much more control. Constantly, I’d fretted I was doing something wrong, that I was going to get caught and reprimanded, that I was going to let someone down. As I cleaned up the Cobb, I realized with a clarity I can still recollect now, I’m a good person. Which honestly sounds silly but, at the time, was a shocking realization. Why did I always feel like I was going to get in trouble?

I stole a pair of earrings from Urban Outfitters once and also switched a tag on a sweater to reflect a sale price. I lied and told my mom someone ran over my tennis racket when, in fact, I had hurled it at the driveway in some insane fit of rage and dented it. I desperately tried to convince my third grade classmates that I had 400 troll dolls. I got my first ‘B’ in seventh grade and threw an exaggerated, embarrassing fit about how ashamed I was when in reality I didn’t care. More than once I went to the guidance counselor’s office to tell her how sad I was about my life in hopes she would give me a Snickers bar and I spent half of every elementary school year in the clinic with a “stomach ache” because I didn’t want to be in class.

Maybe my 20s were spent attempting to atone for my many sins. Possibly I was carrying guilt for being a thief and a liar? Regardless, that Cobb Salad changed my life.

There You Are Again, by Bonnie Lynn Felton, lynnfelton.com

Would I still, four years later, enter into a toxic and emotionally abusive relationship? Would I still feel frustrated and hopeless and confused about what to do with my life? Would I still drive around Los Angeles for hours desperately screaming about the lack of parking? Yes. I would. But at least I knew deep down that I had the choice NOT to do these things.

This year I’ve been very purposefully and consciously choosing to vibrate at a higher frequency. It’s been four months since I left my 15 year serving career and I really only panicked myself into an identity crisis through the end of December. I’ve felt a new sense of calm and patience, very satisfied with accepting the journey of it all. Very in tune with my responsibility to myself to regulate as well as I can, my reactions to the ebbs and flows of life.

I suppose self worth comes with age. An easing up on the harsh and degrading inner monologue. The edges wear down a bit and there’s new softness. Turns out getting older and wiser is a real thing. Years of practice finally turning perfect.

After I got myself out of that horrific relationship, I put myself through the rigorous task of monitoring every single thought I had. Whether I was scared, insecure, angry, even happy, I thought about my thoughts and if they weren’t productive I changed them. This was exhausting and quite maddening but after some time became completely natural. Being kind to the good person I remembered I am replaced violently trying to convince myself otherwise.

Eight-ish years down the road and a recommitment to keeping the vibes high is SO much easier. Consistency is only hard until it’s not. Sort of like manifesting. The moment you let go and give up is the second you realize you’re living a dream. Life gets simpler. You write an essay every week, you workout in the mornings, you visualize your cells bursting with clean, radiant energy, you feel better. You feel amazing.

There was a moment at 34. In my apartment where I lived alone I laid in my bed and stared at my shelves adorned with my things. Trinkets, framed pictures, my jewelry, all my books. A warm wave washed over me, not only am I a good person, I also like myself, this girl I’d spent and would be spending my entire life with. I love her, my own forever best friend, the soul I entered and will exit life with. This moment as profound as a dropped Cobb Salad, experiences that make up the foundation of my own worth.

It’s a shame how fleeting these glimmers of enlightenment seem to be. One moment bursting with self love and clarity, the next worried about a mole on my chest or a parking ticket left unpaid. What’s gotten easier with time is the practice of remembering who I am. That I’m not on the verge of punishment. That I’m always trying my best. And that sometimes it’s actually easier to get a new rug than it is to remove bleu cheese from its fibers.

PACKING

This week I’ve added two items to my list of stuff to always pack for any trip.

1. a travel lamp

2. a portable yoga mat

I am accepting suggestions for either.

WATCHING

Riffing off the need for a travel lamp, I stayed last week in a hotel that had none. Psychotic. But I did discover that YouTube has a channel called “warm lamp light” and this sort of helped.

LISTENING

Affirmations. Like all the time. I’ve been using this app called Activations but you can find them anywhere. Also, Louise Hay’s books are free on Spotify and are basically the same thing. I used to be very one eyebrow raised about affirmations because I was so snobbishly into meditation but I honestly think they’re incredibly effective at keeping the vibes high.

I just had one of the most incredible weeks ever in New Orleans. Hired by my dear friend, Jacin, who is a world class event planner and extraordinary woman, I got to work with the most spectacular team. I’ve returned completely invigorated knowing that it really is possible to love what you do. To find people who are true professionals, willing to work their asses off and also be warm and real and down to earth. I’m so incredibly inspired.

I hope the first week of February has been good to you. Do you have plans for Valentine’s Day? I will be baking a thousand heart shaped cookies and wearing my felt heart pin. Sending you all love and gratitude. Talk to you next week!

Happy Valentine’s Day