Hide and Seek
Come out, come out wherever you are. *Chapter 35*
When I sit down to write, it’s always an uncovering. I’m never quite sure where we’re going. Even when I have an idea, it’s usually one sentence that leads the way to a topic I didn’t even realize wanted a spotlight. Themes reveal themselves. Like playing hide and seek and getting sick of your hiding spot, “I’m here.”
I’m not a big puzzle person. If the pieces are spread out on a table, partly put together, I’ll stop by for a minute or two, but hours of staring and turning blob shaped cuts of cardboard around and around until they fit, not for me. And yet, assembling an essay each week is so much like that. Tumbling words, punctuation and phrases here there and everywhere until they finally click together. It’s so deeply satisfying when it works.
This week I re-read some posts from my archive, 2015-2018. Years that seem so present, like yesterday, lived by a version of myself who has evolved into a completely new person.
Procrastination is making me sick I think. Maybe it is a lack of Vitamin B12, there's no way of knowing, but I've been feeling so eh. Ehhhh. Like I need to crawl out of my skin, rinse everything and put myself back together. Have a fresh start.
from 2017 essay, This is Practice
At the end of so many shifts in LA, drinking wine and smoking cigarettes inside (so chic) the bistro where we’d just finished service, I’d ask my friend Francesca, “where’s the bridge? how do I get to the other side?” The other side, where I had a boyfriend, a career, a savings account. I didn’t even know to want for a feeling of content satisfaction. Self-worth a buzzy phrase that to me meant taking another bath.
When the world shut down and I got my chance to “crawl out of my skin, rinse everything and put myself back together,” it was little things like making coffee or reading a book that mounted a way over to a new shore. All that time spent fretting, desperate for a life that looked nothing like the one I have now. A fuller, calmer version of myself I had no idea I was creating. Grown up and willing to receive good things.
In 2015 I wrote,
This year has been about letting go. It's been about standing still. And it's been about learning how to wait. And waiting sucks. But really only as much as you choose to let it suck.
The wisdom in this I interpret so differently at 40 than I did at 31. I was waiting for something to happen. Waiting to book a role or make a short film that would finally get me noticed. Waiting to lose weight and finally be allowed to fall in love. Waiting to suddenly receive a windfall and pay off all my debt at once. Sure that once the wait was over, I’d feel happy. The choice, I understand clearly now, is to see that waiting is just living. The journey, not the destination. Damn it!
The most frustratingly hilarious and obvious piece of all is that there’s no way I could have ever realized this until I did. A real forehead slapper for ya there. It’s one of many privileges that comes with age, the puzzle coming together. A fuller map. Compassion and acceptance, if I hadn’t made that turn, I’d never have ended up here. You can only be where you are.
Nostalgia is my favorite topic to write about. Graciously it keeps revealing itself in various forms each week. Allowing these pieces to arrive without force, to flow from somewhere unseen makes me feel so connected to the versions of myself sitting down over the years, writing to make something happen. If I stare at a puzzle for too long, I get frustrated. Wandering around playfully seeking what wants to be said, it’s a magical feeling to find it. I’m grateful to my past self for figuring out the pieces that don’t fit together, forgoing waiting for living and for allowing myself to enjoy the game here on the other side. I’m excited to see what else is hiding.
READING
The Weekly Work has become a mother (Congratulations to you and beautiful, Honey!) and continues to deliver the smartest content on the Internet. If you aren’t subscribed to her Substack, literally why not?
Loved this thought provoking post on taste from Maybe, Baby.
WATCHING
Season 2 of The Traitors UK. What is wrong with me? I truly love this shit.
LISTENING
The Good Dirt Podcast. Not only am I thrilled to get the chance to interview Mary and Emma of Lady Farmer for my podcast next week, but this episode of their podcast was so resonate and in line with all I’d been thinking about this week. You must have a listen!
DeeJay’s is next Monday and this week will be filled with prep. I’ll be making 6 or 8 (TBD) batches of pudding, check out my latest cooking video if you haven’t. Alan has already filled the fridge with produce and I’m confronted by these terrifying Lion’s Mane mushrooms every time I open it. We are SO excited.
I hope you have a lovely post-eclipse week full of thrilling opportunities and wild epiphanies. Talk to you soon.
xoxo.
You really have found a new you, Boo. YAY!
I love reading your writing!!! I’m so glad you do it every week!