Hearts on a String
This is how I recall my life and envision my future. It's gonna land for you or leave you thinking what...the hell...is she talking about?
I can never find the exact quote but at the end of Eat, Pray, Love, Elizabeth Gilbert says that she realizes it was her future self all along that was guiding her to make the decisions to change her life. At the beginning of the story, when she knows she has to make the choice to get a divorce or stay with her husband and is wailing on her bathroom floor at 3 in the morning, she hears a clear and distinct voice say to her, “Go back to bed, Liz.” She assumes at the time that it’s God but by the end, she knows the voice was hers.
This has always deeply resonated with me. The idea of the future self being a guide. I view my life as one long garland of hearts…just…stick with me for a second here. The string of the garland is what connects every moment of my life and the hearts are the memories I can recall or imagine. At the risk of sounding indulgent and overly poetic, I’ll try and explain. This Taylor Swift-like garland of hearts image came to me a few years ago while I was meditating. Suddenly, it was my first day in the theater building at the University of Georgia, I was alone and walking the hallways, peering into classrooms, excited to start college. This memory was so vivid and alive that it was absolutely as if I were there again. As if my present and past selves were standing next to each other, my past guiding my present around the building that became so familiar but at the time was completely new. It was really emotional and kind of weird but mostly, it was comforting. In that moment of meditation, the image of the garland came to me and I felt strongly like I could move forward or backward in time landing on different hearts, all the pieces of my life.
In the middle of mundane tasks, walking or driving or rolling silverware at work, the most visceral memories wash over me. Random and completely unremarkable moments that, for whatever reason, shake loose in my brain and project onto the movie screen of my mind. I’m sitting in algebra class staring out the window, I’m in high school, it’s sophomore year and I’m wondering if I’ll get a parking space when I’m a junior. My TI-80 calculator is in front of me, I remember how the buttons felt, kind of cushiony. A flashback to the Scholastic book fair, that they didn’t only sell books but also trinkets, there was this little ceramic heart-shaped box with flowers painted on it that I was DYING to get but didn’t. The most random of memories that slam in so vividly sometimes, I worry I’m having a stroke. All of these, hearts on the garland of my life.
Sometimes now, especially when I’m meditating, I imagine connecting with my future self, moving forward along the string instead of back. Future Brittany is calm and content and wise, she beckons me forward and tells me everything is okay. She is usually sitting on her front porch, her garden in front of her, at her house that looks exactly like the one I imagine now. When I think of my life this way, it makes me more present. I’m creating living memories with purpose so I can look back and touch them and feel so absolutely connected to everything. It’s a communion between all of my selves and it feels real and magical and also a challenge to explain.
I’d love to know if this resonates with you. I feel rather incoherent attempting to write about it but alas, here I am. When I battled with a bout of depression in college, where I felt empty and lonely and like I didn’t understand the reason for anything, it was the absolute knowing part of myself (my future self) that helped me accept that I would be happy again. And whenever I find myself freaked out now, I try and connect with one of my future hearts and listen to me tell myself that everything is gonna be okay. It always is, even if it takes stringing on a few more hearts to realize it.
Have a wonderful weekend, I’m sending you love always.
❤️ ❤️ ❤️