Halfway There

6 months later... *Chapter 26*

I’m staring at my bookshelf. Two cookbooks sit cockeyed. Mocking me. Motivation to stand, move my body across the room and straighten them will not be conjured. They sneer, I am sure it’ll be weeks before I muster the strength to pay attention and accomplish the tiny task of tidying them. I’ve got bigger missions on the brain.

It’s been six months since I set a goal to post here weekly. Upon re-reading the first entry of the journey this morning, I’m struck. My voice is different. There’s precision and confidence here that didn’t exist 26 weeks ago. Desire to over-explain and apologize replaced with conviction. I’m very pleased.

When It Was Time To Call It A Day, by Bonnie Lynn Felton, lynnfelton.com

Getting to know my mother’s body of work, her vast library of paintings and drawings has been one of the greatest joys of this adventure. I wonder each week if I’ll find a piece that captures the essence of a post and always, it exists. It’s a strange magic, the bond Bonnie and I have that stretches so far beyond explanation, even our creativity entwined. Paintings sometimes 20 years old brought into the present as a perfect pairing. I’ve loved this discovery.

In the past few weeks, I’ve birthed a podcast and a cooking video. Two dream projects I’ve fantasized about for years. When I finished editing the video, I started shivering. For hours I couldn’t quell the chill. I’m sure it was a rush of adrenaline or cortisol having worked 16 hours straight fueled only by cookie dough and coffee but it felt more significant than that. A portal opening. Proof. I can do this.

This deep satisfaction is a feeling I’ve always craved. I’ve made two short films. Written, produced and starred in them and yes, I am proud of that but it’s a different form of gratification. Those served a purpose outside of me. To find an agent. To sell a script. To get a foot in the door. Pondering the life I desire now, at 40, I needed proof that creating just for the sake of it fills me enough to make up for the fact that the bills have to be paid somehow and for now that is through waitressing…still.

Turns out, it is more than enough. When I sit down to write or to edit, I’m not hungry or thirsty. I don’t need to work out or sleep more. I’m not 30 pounds too heavy or worried about affording a new pair of pants. The floors don’t need to be mopped nor the shower scrubbed. The dishes can wait. When I am here, when I am creating and expanding this Substack, I am no longer just a single person in this Universe, I feel like I am the Universe. I am completely okay, I get frustrated and it passes, I stay and am rewarded with gifts that flow out of me like miracles.

see those crooked little jerks?

Six months ago, I would have already gotten up to straighten these cookbooks that taunt me. My keyboard would have sat lonely and untouched. My mind plagued with a desire to just sit down and write, blocked by habitual procrastination. And fear. I am proud of where this journey has brought me. I feel more grown up and brave.

Each week I look forward to updating you. Sometimes knowing exactly what I’m going to say and others, like today, having no idea what’s going to end up in your inbox. Regardless, your words of encouragement, the texts, comments and email responses to my posts, fill me with immeasurable joy. To say I am grateful is to only scratch the surface. This is the beginning. Six months in. I cannot wait to see where it goes.

READING

Full transparency, I’m listening to this via Audible but Unreasonable Hospitality by Will Guidara is GREAT. He tells the story of his time at Eleven Madison Park and weaves in his philosophy on service, management and basically being a good person. I am loving it.

WATCHING

Fully immersed (for a second time) in Succession. Alan’s never seen it and I may as well have missed the first two seasons trying to watch too many episodes in a row. The ensemble is truly next level, we are laughing and cringing every night and can only handle one episode at a time.

LISTENING

The Opportunist is an awesome podcast with a bunch of seasons to choose from. It’s described as “true stories of regular people who turn sinister by embracing opportunity.” I find it extremely well researched and engaging.

Thanks for sticking around and reading, it’s hard to believe how fast half a year flies by. After opening the flood gates of content creation I am raring to bring you more. A second podcast by the end of this month and more cooking videos to come.

Happy Valentine’s Day! Bake some cookies and feel the love. These are my favorites for V-Day.

Have an amazing week.

xoxo.