Full Moon Fever
I'm runnin' down a dream. *Chapter 32*
Yesterday was the first in a long time that I felt actually relaxed. Nothing on my ToDo list beckoned, ‘you should be doing this.’ I laid on the couch, watched British reality tv, painted my nails, put a thousand items into a thousand different online carts and didn’t buy them, got a pizza, drank some wine, watched half of Poor Things and didn’t feel guilty about any of it. No need to punish myself for time wasted. Real relaxation, deep satisfaction.
On Tuesday I woke like a goddamn Disney princess and declared, “it is Spring!” I outstretched my arms inviting all the birds, squirrels and mice to surround my body. I began to sing and spin around in circles. Can you imagine trying to sleep through such a performance? Sorry, Alan. But I was feeling it. I’ve been feeling it since the light came back. My sinuses are fully inflamed and so is my heart…
As it is now officially a new year, Aries season, a full moon AND a lunar eclipse. As the trees are blooming and my car covered in pollen. As my eyes water with joy and allergies, it seems finally time to share a few resolutions. Practices I’d like to continue to cultivate and to appreciate. I hope they resonate with you.
Movement. After so many years of saying, “I always feel better after I work out,” I finally believe it. It’s a fact. I am 40 and I’d like to be 112 still walking and carrying a purse. “My body is just tired, I’m listening to my body.” This excuse for skipping a workout only flies for me now if I’m actively on my period. Even if I’m tired, I always feel better after some kind of movement. It cleans out the circuitry, moves old, crappy energy away from your brain and body. It’s basically like brushing your teeth.
Less scrolling. This is a constant battle for me as I find a ton of inspiration from Instagram, YouTube and obviously Substack. The problem comes when I’m two hours deep in a hole of cleaning videos watching someone scrub their giant farmhouse sink for the one hundredth time. Physically moving my body away from my phone seems the only solution. Put it down, stand up, walk away, busy myself with an activity like walking or writing or editing. Why is it so hard?
Follow Through. I’ve accepted myself as someone who genuinely enjoys having multiple plates spinning at a time. Because of this tendency, I start a lot of projects and don’t finish them OR I think about projects for a long time and never start. This year has seen me following through. Making my podcasts and cooking videos and writing here weekly have revealed to me the importance of ‘just starting.’ I’ve figured out how to follow through mostly because I actually have things to follow through on. There’s always a post to write or project to edit. It feels so satisfying to be in an era of creation after I was in hibernation, filling the well, for such a long time.
Eating better, drinking less. Last Fall I was rolling my eyes and telling everyone who’d cut back on their drinking to shut the hell up about it. I was still in a phase of wanting to trash my body as much as possible and not feel bad about it. And I did! I’ve been celebrating being in love for almost two years now and finally in January, my system downloaded an upgrade and the desire for cookies and booze just faded. I’ve been cooking at home, making more bread, drinking more tea, sleeping a bit better and feeling so much calmer as a result. I had a freaking blast and then a new era dawned.
Acceptance and certainty. I’ve meditated regularly, journaled, been in the best shape of my life, loved my home, been desperate for a partner, more money, a career. I’ve been completely broke, forty pounds overweight, hating my job, deeply in love, creatively fulfilled and happy. My joy has been tinged with fear. Anxieties creep in to fill spaces where old nervousness has been healed. Life ebbs and flows. Opposition brings understanding. Light exists because so does darkness. My word for 2024 is certainty. I am certain that I will never have it all figured out. This chapter of my life has brought with it acceptance. It’s okay to not know everything, to be surprised and delighted, to feel scared and overwhelmed. To simply be exactly where I am, one foot in front of the other, runnin down a dream.
The biggest lesson for me has been to realize that I can’t force a habit until I’m genuinely ready for it. Guilt and self-deprecating are a complete waste of time. This new season has me curious to find out what happens when I surrender. Follow my impulses and act on them. Revel in all the little things I honestly love and live with no other motive than to be a good person and do my best. Happy Spring, friends.
READING
Finishing Circe, what should I read next?
WATCHING
The Traitors UK. Okay listen, a reality show competition is not, I repeat NOT normally at ALL what I would normally choose to watch. My best friend Evan who also would never watch reality show competitions told me he loved this and because I was so shocked to hear such a thing, I checked it out. I was IMMEDIATELY hooked. Like standing up, yelling at the TV behavior, absolutely crazy. I loved it.
LISTENING
As the title of this post suggests, I’m having a Tom Petty moment this week.
This Friday I’ll be releasing my next podcast with a very special guest, my boyfriend, Alan. The audio quality is not the best but the conversation is pretty sweet. I’m excited to share it with you.
I hope you have a fantastic week. I hope you’re blooming like the trees. I hope you’re taking the very best care of yourself and of your people that you can. Take your Zyrtec. Drop your homeopathic allergy drops under your tongue. Breathe deep. I’ll talk to you soon.
xoxo.
I recommend to read, Girl, Woman, Other
by Bernardine Evaristo.
Don't Back Down, Boo!