Don't Worry, it's September!

Health anxiety and working to let worry go for a new season. *Chapter 3*

In the Poppies, painting by Bonnie Lynn Felton, lynnfelton.com

There is always something wrong with me. It’s a stomach cramp or the top of my foot aching, a random hive on my chin or a tingling in my elbow. Lately, I am constantly worrying about my health. This week, I’ve been mildly obsessing over what is either a bug bite or an underground zit brewing on my forehead that is causing a tightness in my skin. I’m entertaining the idea that I contracted a flesh eating bacteria from the ocean (we drove to Florida for two days this week).

See: Florida.

Yesterday, I spent a solid 10 minutes opening and closing my left eye wondering if the flesh eating bacteria was causing vision loss. Then it occurred to me that ALL of this could be the result of a cavity I need to have filled, this could be an infection in my tooth that’s reached my sinuses. Health Anxiety is a thing, I googled it. “Bump on forehead making head feel tight cavity brain,” is something else I googled. I pride myself on “not being an anxious person,” obviously, that’s bullshit.

When I was a kid, I was constantly worried about my parents dying or my house burning down, it was really hard for me to fall asleep without my mom laying next to me. Poor Bonnie had to slip a giant teddy bear under my arm and slither out from underneath me to keep me from waking up and starting the anxiety loop of bedtime all over again. I’ve been acting as if this health anxiety stuff is a brand new demon for me to exorcise. In reality, it’s the same foe, rearing its ugly head, begging for me to battle it once again.

Before I turned 35, I did a deep dive into self reflection and care. I was tired of feeling bad about myself all the time especially when I considered myself to be a good person. So, I diligently monitored how I thought of and talked to myself. Most of my abusive thoughts revolved around my weight but really, at the root of it all, my self-worth was severely lacking. I became gently ruthless. I thought about every thought I had. Sounds crazy, was totally illuminating. I tuned into how silly and awfully I was talking to myself. “You're too fat to meet someone who will love you and also you’re going to be poor forever.” Nice. We’ll call it classic low self-esteem. It was my habitual anxiety from childhood manifesting in my adulthood. For at least a year (like 3), through meditation and journaling and therapy, I made significant progress to change my subconscious thoughts and replace them with supportive truth. Basically, “you’re okay.” Undoubtedly, that work is what gave me the confidence to decide to move home and stay home and ultimately meet the best person in the world, call him my boyfriend and share a life and home with him. Big, dream stuff. Anyway, now that I’ve achieved milestones that required moving through past fears, they have once again manifested into anxiety about my health.

There have been a few articles written this year about Glimmers. Those moments that wash over you and bring with them feelings of ultimate peace, satisfaction and safety. Joy. I’d like to stop crowding my glimmers with my fears. Is this completely irrational? Totally out of touch? Honestly, I kind of just feel exhausted with myself. Like, shutttt upppppp about your gut health being disrupted and get on with your life. Sometimes a zit is JUST AN EFFING ZIT. Let’s spend less time occupying our thoughts with our worries and replace that time with our dreams? I know! Barf! But also, can we please just allow ourselves some sustained happiness? We deserve it!

ANNNNND

It’s September for crying out loud! My inner Anne of Green Gables is fully activated and while I’m typing this, aware of the bump on my forehead that might be eating my flesh, my subconscious is spinning around under a tree that’s dropping its leaves. I want to consume all the Fall YouTube content. Drive to Target and buy a thousand ceramic pumpkins and candles in scents I don’t even like. I want to peap leaves and decorate the porch! Mostly, I just wanna wear a damn long-sleeved shirt. September always feels like the beginning of a new beginning. It’s a month before my birthday, it’s the month Fall starts and I want to use these next few weeks to shed what I really don’t want to carry around anymore so I can enter this new season with a lighter, glimmering load.

I hope you’re having a lovely Labor Day and have a wonderful week full of light and cry laughter ahead of you. I’m sending you my love and gratitude always.

See you next week.