Both sides of the coin.

*Chapter 34*

Before moving back to my home state of Georgia, I lived in New York City and then Los Angeles for 5 and 8 years respectively. If you’d asked me at any point over the course of those 13 years whether or not I’d ever go home, I would have given you a cliché scoff. Never. I was in line for my dreams to come true. Regardless of how close to the back (or how much debt I was accruing), why would I give up my place?

And then my friend, Claire, moved home. I was chatting with her at a wedding in North Carolina when she told me of her plans to flee San Francisco for Atlanta. It had been her idea all along. Go live somewhere else and then come on back to Georgia. Jealousy bubbled up, surprising me like a burp that’d come out of nowhere. Why does home sound so nice? Ew, what is wrong with me??

A week later, I had a dream I gave up my lovely, perfect apartment in Los Angeles and woke up in a panic. YOU CAN’T TAKE THIS FROM ME. It was a strange feeling, like fighting against some invisible law. A decision made FOR me more than BY me. I’m moving home? Last week I spoke about the warm feeling of ‘right’, that smooshy comfort of knowing you’ve chosen correctly. But what about scenarios that seem to be inevitable? I couldn’t force the thought out of my brain. I wanted to go home.

Sandor, a commission by Bonnie Lynn Felton, lynnfelton.com *Sandor so fully encompasses how I felt at 13*

At 13, I remember feeling like a giant, hulking rectangle. I’d been ditched at the Halloween dance, my skirt had been held up in front of the locker room with the exclamation, “look how big it is!” by my mortal enemy (not surprisingly, another ‘bigger girl’ outcast…) and Buffy the Vampire Slayer was my hero. All I wanted was to be 32, famous and rid of these absolute foolish monsters I was forced to walk in line behind on a Monday through Friday basis.

Singing was terrifying for me but in eighth grade I auditioned for the school play, Broadway Chunks in Traveling Trunks, a mash up of 5 classic musicals. I’d read somewhere, probably YM magazine, that Leonardo di Caprio stood on a chair to win the role of Gilbert in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape. Walking to the front of the chorus room to perform my piece, I was more nervous than I’d ever been. I was sweating and I hated sweating because it made me feel grosser than I already did. All I wanted to was to sit back down in one of the blue plastic chairs my butt, larger than all the other kids’ butts, didn’t fit in comfortably. But. I stood in front of all my stupid classmates and I sang SO loudly and hilariously that they couldn’t believe it. They laughed and clapped after my audition. My cheeks were purple from embarrassment, I wanted to die but also, I had never felt more amazing. I got the part obviously.

There’s two sides to every coin. Mortification flipped over can be exhilaration. Thinking you’re a loser if you decide to move home can turn out to be your biggest win. This week strawberries came into season and so I baked bagels and mixed cream cheese packed full of them. My nephew had his first cold. I got to experience my heart clench with every sniffle because we are neighbors now and I get to babysit. I shot a cooking video, waited some tables, walked up to the store last night to grab a bottle of wine. In Los Angeles I was waiting in line for my dreams to come true, in Atlanta, I skipped to the front.

Life is weird. I arrived home 3 weeks before the first lockdown and I don’t care in how much woo woo you partake, that is some fated shit. Lately I’ve fully succumbed to my desires for baking and crafting and writing. I’ve felt completely invigorated and perfectly exhausted by this work. Conversely, I find myself throwing tantrums about my actual job at the restaurant wondering when I’ll finally be finished with what I consider terribly exhausting work. Why I ever waste a minute fretting is beyond me. Before I burped up jealousy, I didn’t even know I wanted to move home. It’s a coin toss at any moment. What seems one way turned over is a completely new story.

Happy Eclipsing, my friends.

READING

Weyward, follows the story of three different women’s struggles throughout 3 different generations. It has some witchy vibes, it’s an easy read, a great cover and so far I’m into it.

WATCHING

The Gentleman on Netflix. I’m half in, half out. Honestly, isn’t it the same exact story as the movie by the same exact name?

LISTENING

Y’all I cannot get enough of Swan Lake. I am not even joking. I’m really not. How absolutely stupid is that? It’s so EMOTIONAL. I can’t get enough.

New cooking video coming this Friday! It’s one of my favorite recipes, Alison Roman’s chocolate pudding. I had to do a test run for our next DeeJay’s dinner in two weeks. I’ll be making all the dessert. Check out our latest commercial as we just released tickets to our next event.

I hope you have a wonderful week and enjoy the eclipse today. We are heading out to watch it with my parents. My dad got special glasses.

xoxo.